Heartache

"1How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

2How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,'

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6I will sing to the Lord,

for he has been good to me." Psalm 13 NIV

All those with broken hearts-those who feel abandoned by family, friends, and God-are in good company.  David, the man after God's own heart, felt the same way.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 ESV

"2Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4 ESV

I have seen attack after attack in my own life and in the lives around me, and I'm broken over the struggles I see.  I am broken over families treating each other like garbage, even though that's promised in Matthew 10:21-22.  I am broken over the Enemy feeding Christians lies about their personal insecurities.  I am broken over my tendency to believe him.  I am broken over our inclination to run to people instead of God.  I am broken over the fact that I feel so helpless...and over the fact that I am so helpless.

"3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance [aka steadfastness], 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5  ESV


"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19a NIV

Hope. Hope is what we have and the World doesn't.  The HOPE is that this world is not our home.  The hope is that we understand that crap happens to good people as a consequence of sin.  Your sin, my sin, Adam's sin--SIN.  We live in a fallen world, and that's why bad things happen.  Not for a "reason."  Not to teach us a lesson.  Do we learn?  I would hope so.  We're being made complete so that we can lack nothing, according to James.  How can we share in the Joy of Christ without sharing in His suffering?  I'm not saying that Jesus doesn't use the crap for His glory; He most certainly does!  That is why Christians have hope.

I hate the saying that "God will never give you more than you can handle."  We can't handle it!  How do you expect to be made complete without Him?  He walks with you! JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH (Ezekiel 48:35) means "The Lord who is present."  JEHOVAH-ROHI (Psalm 23:1) means "The Lord my Shepherd."  The shepherd walks with his sheep.  Rejoice in the Presence of EL-SHADDAI (Genesis 17:1, Psalm 91:1), the Almighty God.

I know this is getting long, and I know that when we're down in the dumps, this isn't what we want to hear.  Regardless, it's what we need to hear.  I'm praying for your encouragement.  I am fighting for you.  That's a promise.  I love you with a fierce passion that was given to me by my Creator, and I will never give up on you.  She doesn't mean me.  Yes, I do.  I mean you my sister, my brother, my dear friend, my love.

I sit here in tears knowing the battle we face every day.  Put on that armor.  You are blessed.  You are highly favored.  You are loved.

"14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen" Ephesians 3:14-21 NIV

Happy Mediums

I have been meaning to write this out for a while. I hope it comes out in a way that other people can understand. I am in a conventional tither. I can't tell you how many times in the past 4 months I have said, "There's gotta be a happy medium somewhere..." I say this about everything.  Happy mediums really seem to be the key to stability.  It isn't easy is hard stinks is somewhat unpleasant ...sucks to be such an extreme person sometimes. I crave stability.

Let's visit a few of the areas where I need to find some middle ground:
1. Sharing feelings: it's either silently avoid the elephant in the room at all costs or identify the elephant...and describe its genitals in detail. (Can I say that?)
---The ideal middle ground would be to know the appropriate boundaries to set per person.  I don't have to divulge everything to any one person.  I can talk about what needs to be talked about, like the feelings I have that affect the relationship with each individual friend/family member/boyfriend.

2. Eating: it's either one meal a day (like a breakfast bar and maybe a tortilla with peanut butter later) or 3 meals a day with large, high-calorie snacks in between.
---The ideal middle ground would be to eat about 5 small meals a day, staying under 1400 net calories.  I know the food pyramid pretty well; I just need to eat fruits, veggies, grains, proteins, some carbs, etc. (Yes I said carbs...you can't burn fat without them.)

3. School: it's either all school all the time or all Pinterest/blogspot/facebook/twitter all the time.
---The ideal middle ground would be to spend some time every day keeping up with and getting ahead on my homework so that I have a little time to surf the web and be social.

4. Friendships: I either spend a lot of time with a few friends (usually one at a time) or some weekend time spent with many people at once.
---The ideal middle ground would be to spend some weekend time with a bunch of people at once because fellowship is fun & Biblical.  Then I should take some time during the week to eat with my friends one or two at a time.  We don't have to eat; we can do anything to spend time with each other.  Friendships just need to be nurtured.  One-on-one time is necessary.  I just need to keep good track of my friends and not neglect anyone.

5. Having Feelings: I seem to be either completely apathetic, or I get my feelings hurt by anything.
---The ideal middle ground is that I would gain some perspective from other people...See things in a different light.  I would learn how to receive grace & be graceful.  Some things would just roll off my back.

6.  Having interests:  Again I seem to either be completely apathetic, or I get really obsessed. (e.g. Pinterest)
---The ideal middle ground is for me to manage my time well and to not think about Shuckie Pinterest books exercise movies How I Met Your Mother sports anything more than I think about my Savior. That's called idolatry.

7. Being a girlfriend: I feel like I either come across as cold & uncaring or so obsessively clingy that I don't even want to be around myself.
---The ideal middle ground would be for me to pursue Him and not him...I shouldn't be pursuing him anyway, no matter how wonderful he is.

I'm stopping at seven because it's the number of completion, and I don't really want all of the Internet to know how incredibly insane I am.*  I need to leave a little mystery.  Now, it seems that I have found the middle ground solutions for my extreme problems; why can't I implement them?  I could literally list an excuse for every single one of them.  I am tempted to do so just to prove it...and to defend myself.  The point is to stop justifying.

What practical steps can I take to walk the middle ground in these areas?  I want to be healthy.  I want my relationships to be healthy.  What is it going to take?  Maybe I should just look up Scripture  per problem and study & pray about it until Jesus shows me these practical steps.  That sounds like a good step one.

Do you have any advice for me?  Is there a middle ground I can help you reach.  Oh, yeah...and Merry Christmas. :)

*Yes, I do realize I'm not that important.  I'm crazy, but I'm not that kind of crazy. 

Bah, Humbug

It seems like the "cool" thing to do these days is hate on Christmas.  Yes Christmas..."the most wonderful time of the year..."  Lovers of Christmas are as obnoxious as Buddy the Elf on a good day, and Christmas trees are stupid, ugly, pointless, and obnoxious.  I will admit to being among those with this mentality.

I am seeing it proved year after year that Christmas is nothing but a commercialized holiday that reminds singles that they are alone, broken families that they'll never be whole, widows that love has been ripped away from them, soldiers that they are thousands of miles away from anyone they love, the grieving that they are without fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, etc...When did I become so cynical?

Well today I have decided: I'm done hating Christmas.  The holiday has a long history. It is celebrated at the same time that the Romans celebrated Saturnalia even though Christ was probably born in the spring.  This was an attempt to replace the pagan traditions with Christian ones, but I find America celebrating Saturnalia instead.  We worship the god of money...giving out of our wealth.  No wonder the holiday is so depressing.  We don't look for the treasure in a stable; we look for it online and in malls.

While I will probably always hate the way America celebrates Christmas, I refuse to be cynical to the season any more. "Joy to the World" will be more than a carol.  God came to earth so that we could understand a piece of Him.  He loves us so much that He left riches and comfort and unfathomable splendor to be born where farm animals eat and poop.  He came to fulfill the prophecies...so that I (you, we) could join him in His riches and comfort and unfathomable splendor.  There is no greater love!  This is something to celebrate.  He was born for the sole purpose of dying that we might live forever.  Do you need a reason to hope (Hebrews 6:19)?

How selfish of me to hate Christmas!  It's not about me!  My thoughts wrap around and around ME...Christmas will never be the same. I'm not home. I have no money. There's no snow. My family is broken. People argue. "Holiday pounds." Are you kidding me, Katie?  I mean, really...you're going to spend a season that recognizes the birth of your Savior, your Teacher, your Love, your Friend thinking about yourself? Well, I say no more.  I hope that you are able to find joy and comfort, not sadness and isolation this season.  Because we celebrate the birth of any child as a new miracle, as we should!  But this child...He saved the world.  Celebrate. If you want to nix the American Christmas tradition, go for it...but don't let your hatred for the way Christmas is "celebrated" harden your heart towards the reason for the season.

I am "That" girl

So I cannot in any way, shape, or form take credit for this idea. My beautiful best friend Valerie (Ginger Spice and Everything Nice...check her out) did it first. I haven't updated in a million years, and I have a loottt of feelings. So here it goes.

I never wanted to be "that" girl. I never wanted anyone to pin me. We all want to be unique but still fit in, too, right? As I started thinking about who I am and who "that" girl is, I found that over the course of my life I have compiled a very long list of who and what I don't want to be. So on top of the list of "no's" there is a list of "can'ts." And instead of trying to figure out what was good about me (trust me the thought briefly crossed my mind, and the task seemed impossible), I listened to Idina Menzel sing "I'm Not That Girl" on repeat for days, drowning in my own insecurities. "Don't wish; don't start...wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn't born for the rose and pearl. There's a girl I know; He loves her so...I'm not that girl..."

I'll never be thin enough, but I can't be "that" girl who so obviously she thinks she's fat. I will always have baggage, but I can't be "that" girl who talks about her problems all the time. I will never be beautiful, but I can't be "that" girl who wears her insecurities on her sleeve. ...The list goes on and on.

So today as I procrastinate doing homework, Christmas shopping, and cleaning my room, I have decided to flesh out who I am in hopes to gain some direction...and maybe to inspire you to think about who you are.

I am that girl...
who is eager to please Christ but terrified that she is going to screw everything up.
who knows that Jesus has already provided for past and future mistakes but struggles to transfer this information from her head to her heart.
who still cries when she hears "Butterfly Kisses."
who wants more than anything to know others and be known.
who talks to her reflection when she can bear to look at it.
who sings for any reason at all in hopes that someone will hear it and find it pleasing.
who wants people to think she's pretty.
who is a pretty rockin' powerlifter.
who is incredibly self conscious about her manly hands.
who wishes she could be more like her sister.
who loves having tiny feet.
who still jams out to Veggie Tales.
who wishes she still loved Christmas.
who wants her boyfriend to become "facebook official," but wants it to be his idea.
who dances really badly, but dances anyway.
who loves deeply.
who wants to be tiny because tiny things are adorable.
who is obsessed with Pinterest.
who misses playing basketball.
who wishes she were less competetive.
who is really smart.
who plays clarinet.
who can't wait to get married.
who likes to get crafty.
who really wants someone to leave an anonymous note on her door/car/bike/anywhere.
who doesn't like to wear makeup.
who counts her steps when she's walking.
who loves the taste of cinnamon toothpaste.
who is looking for any reason to take a million pictures with Shuckie...because we have none.
who has a terrible case of senoritis.
who worries about everything.
who wants desperately to be a mother.
who is terrified of pushing people away.
who sometimes pushes people away in an attempt not to.
who hears voices no one else can.
who finds it incredibly difficult to be crazy and smart.
who is in love with the idea of being in love.
who smiles because it's worth it.
who loves children's movies.
who has to be the best at everything and hates it.
who reads a little too obsessively.
who reeeaallllyy loves hugs...from anyone.
who loves making others smile.
who is really afraid she's not worth it.
who drives an Element named Bruce.
who bikes a lot...but not well.
who takes the long way to classes just to watch people.
who is terrified of clowns.
who loves sunflowers.
who adores kisses.
who is a treasured princess in Heaven,
and who wants to be a treasured princess here.

I know that this doesn't even come close to summing me up, but I also know that this blog is getting really lengthy. I'm sure that if there is anyone that does read my blog, he/she does not really care to know any more about me. But I DO want to know about you...really. Talk to me: in person, text, call, comment on my blog, message me, leave me a note, write me a letter, etc. I want to know you...because I love you. :) I really, really do.

Poderoso

Well I guess it's been almost 3 months since I have blogged. Have I been busy? Yes. Incredibly. Quick recap:
-Returned from Guatemala
-Wedding reception for my mom and Mark
-Returned to Ruston
-Basically watched Heroes and tried to recover from an upper respiratory infection for I don't know how long
-Vision Vacation
-Started building relationships with other students
-School
-More relationships
-School
-More relationships
-school...
-Doctor's appointments, etc.

Yes you get the idea...with a few nervous breakdowns and a return to counseling thrown in there, too. So now that we've established that life happens, let's get going!

It's been a roller coaster for me. My emotions have been the highest of high to the lowest of low, and I don't know that I could even identify what they are now. There are two things I know for sure (butterfly kisses is stuck in your head now isn't it?): 1. God has a good, pleasing, and perfect plan 2. He's NOT going to lay it out for me.

I think He's been trying to tell me this for a couple of years. I know He's teaching me how to trust. Duh, Katie, anyone who has ever read any of your blogs knows that you have trust issues with your Heavenly Father. Yes, well, I know I shouldn't have trust issues with Him, so it took me a while to really understand that I have been relying on my own strength to get me through a lot of what's going on in my life. I have some walls harboring unhealed sections in my heart.

So now what? What does it look like to walk in the freedom of obedience when my doctor throws out unlikely worst-case-scenarios about brain tumors? What emotional boundaries can I set when a boy is thrown into my life? What practical steps can I take to ensure school doesn't consume me? How do I rid myself of worry over finances? How do I stop obsessing over weight? What does it look like for me to allow myself to be broken over my past so that I can experience healing? At what level can I grieve over my health problems?

I look over these questions, and I feel guilty for not knowing the answers. Maybe I even feel guilty for asking them. I feel keenly aware of all of my inadequacies, but maybe that's a good thing. His power is made perfect in my weakness. I know that You are for me; I know that You are for me. I know that You would never forsake me in my weakness. I know that You have come now, even if to write upon my heart, to remind me Who You are.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Eph 3:20-21

Seeing God in Everything Good

It's amazingly easy to focus on the bad, isn't it? I've noticed that in people--but mostly myself. When I get in a bad mood, I don't want to be comforted. I'm perfectly content to stay there until I'm ready to be happy again. Then I wonder why I spend so much of my time exhausted.

Focusing on negative feelings takes up so much energy. So why is it so easy, I wonder? It's ridiculous that as I sit in one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, I can much more quickly draw up a list of bad things than good things. How selfish can one person be?

I will not have my only written memories be bad ones. I've justified myself time and time again that writing is an outlet for my emotions...and the only ones I really want to get rid of are the bad ones. Writing them out helps to expel them from my body or mind or wherever it is they reside, but it also preserves them. This can be good if I write both good and bad feelings. The bad ones can remind me of how far I've come and how far God's grace extends, and the good ones can facilitate in story-telling and in reminding me of God's goodness.

So, I'm going to write down a few awesome things in my life right now. First of all, I have a God who puts up with my roller coaster emotions with endless patience. His love consumes me, and I'll stand up again and do so willingly. I have a wonderfully supportive family who never stops praying for me. I know that I'll always have at least 7 people in my corner ready to help me in any way they can. I have fabulous friends who also pray for me and are always willing to have fun with me and aren't afraid to call me out. Then there's Alabaster who seems willing enough to put up with all my crazy, and we're not even dating yet. I have a friend who is like a second mother who prays for me as faithfully as she does her own children. I have my XA family who cares deeply about who I am in Christ and helps me grow.

I'm also in a beautiful country with my best friend with the opportunity to serve Christ and advance His Kingdom. God has provided a wonderful family to watch out for us, and I truly love them as they have become MY family. I have 13 kindergarten students whom I absolutely adore. They love me, too. I know that when they are with me, they see and experience love. I have made friends here in Guatemala that I know will last a lifetime. I got to celebrate the precious day of Valerie's birth yesterday. I have literally gone this whole trip without having a panic attack (PTL). I have had the opportunity to learn the Spanish language, patience, how to receive grace, how to give grace, how to paint a cement wall, how to choreograph dances for children, how to make Pastor Max feel awkward, how to love unconditionally, how to pray better, how to dance in the rain (figuratively and literally), how to trust God to keep His promises, how to NOT be so anal about time, how to play new games (even poker...I know. I'm a sinner)....and so many other things.

My favorite thing that I've learned: being embarrassed sucks, but it doesn't last forever. Plus, if you're wise, you'll learn from your mistakes...whether it's a word mispronounced or fessing up to doing something stupid that ended up hurting someone (physically or emotionally...), it's not likely you'll want to duplicate the feeling of being embarrassed.

I've even had the opportunity to see some of the most beautiful things ever ranging from girls in the home taking care of each other like sisters to the breathtaking landscape of volcanoes. There is so much good happening here...and there is so much good happening in me. Satan is not strong enough to bring me down because even if there were nothing good in my life (which, as you can see, there's a lot of good): My God's not dead. He's surely alive, and He's livin on the inside roarin like a lion. And that's better news than anything man can create. BOO-YAAHHH Satan!

The Weekend Catch-Up

Hey!! So since my last blog was suuppper general and stuff, let's play a little game I like to call 'catch-up!'

So I went to El Lago de Atitlán last weekend (15-18) with Valerie, the Chavo (her bf), and the Chavo's friend Ignacio. Two of the days we mostly traveled because it's waaaay up high in the mountains. The lake itself is a volcano crater filled with water. It is absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful. There are 15 villages around the lake (it's huge), and 12 of them are named for the 12 apostles of Christ. That's pretty cool; Guatemala is very, very Catholic, but not in the Vatican kind of way. [Aside: When the Spanish conquistadors came to overtake Guatemala they had this very gruesome policy...convert or die. So all of the natives they came across converted..(wouldn't you?)...but they didn't really convert. They just re-named their pagan gods by calling them by the names of the Catholic saints. So the 'Catholics' not actually Catholic. It's a very scary thing. Most of the Natives (Mayan descendents) are 'Catholic,' and the Natives make up about 80% of this country's population. I learned how to pray more specifically for this country in learning this bit of information.] -Ahem- annyyywaaay. We stayed in the village of San Marcos, but we also visited San Pedro across the lake. Our little hotel was very cute, and very cheap. It was nice minus the stupid boys that worked the docs.

San Pedro was great. We went there one day to do some shopping. I got to see Valerie haggle, and I was very impressed. It was really fun minus the part where I came very close to a nervous breakdown. I couldn't pinpoint the reason until I got back from the lake, but I've figured it out now. I have this tendency to suppress negative feelings, and that's bad for someone with anxiety problems. See the thing is...I was really, really uncomfortable being around the Chavo's friend. The Chavo had absolutely no idea that his friend was going to be so..well awkward and just...creepy. It wasn't his fault, and he apologized a million times. His friend hit on me a lot that weekend, and I was so uncomfortable around him even when he wasn't. Anyway, I successfully avoided him for the rest of the trip after that because Valerie caught on to my discomfort sooner than I did.

After the almost-breakdown we decided to do something easy: kayaking on the very peaceful lake. Lucky for all of us, Ignacio didn't come. We had a great time just paddling and talking and picking pumice stones out of the water. Then we decided to dock because it was obvious that a storm was coming. And then something very...strange happened.

Now it's time for 'Only in Guatemala' -- a game we all have fun playing here. So we're docking our kayaks, and the dock is covered in wet munchkins...in their underwear...all of them being boys. The age range was anywhere from about 8 to 13 years old. So, if any of you have kayaked before...you know that it's pretty awkward getting out of one without getting wet. These wet, nearly-naked munchkins basically attacked us to 'help' us out of our kayaks. It was either accept their help or swim to the shore...and trust me, that was a tough decision to make. So, we allowed them to help us out of the water, and when we were all ashore, they began shouting, "one money!" Yep. I knew they were going to want money. They followed us all the way back to our room. So we gave them like a quetzal each and shooed them away. I didn't feel bad because I didn't want their help in the first place. aawwwkkkwarrrddd.

And then this weekend we went to a theme park and a water park. That was fun...minus the clowns and the staring. I generally don't like being in a swimsuit around a bunch of people, but in a world where I'm already constantly being stared at because of my hair and skin color, I felt especially uncomfortable. I'll blog about being a minority later. Anyway, the stupid payasos were everywhere with their painted faces and balloons. And they laughed at me. They knew I was afraid of them...not that it wasn't obvious when I started covering my face with my hat every time one was within eyesight. I very nearly cried...and I did have nightmares about them Friday night. boo.

But all in all, I am very fortunate to have been able to see these parts of Guatemala. On top of all that, I've seen my first black sand beach and gotten to know the culture here a little better. I love this country. I don't really have anything enlightening to say other than that. Yay leisure blog. ;) So how is everyone else's summer going?

Surprised and Humbled

As most of you know, I have been sick on and off as I have been in Guatemala. In this time I've had to ponder, I have realized something so important: this trip was and still is for me to learn and grow as much as it is for me to pour into others. As a matter of fact, I think have been more poured into than I have poured out in the month that I've been here.

In some ways it feels like I just got here a few days ago, and in other ways it feels like I haven't been in the States for a really long time. I have been in Guatemala for a month as of today, and I can't be more grateful for my trip here. Many of my friends took off for South Africa yesterday, and I hope that they have as full of an experience there as I have been having here.

Today I was praying on my way to school, and God spoke to me in His usual, quiet voice. You see, I wasn't particularly looking forward to class today because the kids are always really bad for Teacher Jorge, and they don't usually listen to me very well when Sully isn't there. He said, I don't need you here, Katie. You need to be here. There is work that needs to be done in you and through you. It doesn't matter if you want to be here for the next three weeks. Your attitude should be the same because you are serving Me.

So, here's to having an attitude that screams "I'm serving my Savior because I want to and because it is what's best for me and those in my life." I've been on an emotional roller coaster as far as missing home and loving it here--from wanting to leave and never wanting to leave--but as I look back, I know that this trip is a huge blessing to ME. I am hoping that my presence is a blessing to others, too. I know how to love, and I hope these kids see Christ's love in me. I hope that my presence in La Verdad y La Vida encourages others to go out into the world to spread the good news about Christ. I'm learning so much PATIENCE here...with myself and with others. I'm learning how to receive GRACE and to give it. It's not easy by any means, but I know it's worth it.

I know this trip is worth the countless number of times I've said "I miss you." It's worth not being able to flush my toilet paper. It's worth the flu. It's worth the tears. It's worth the strange-tasting milk. It's worth the millions of black beans. It's worth it all. I love this country, and I love the people that I've met here. My family in Christ has been just that--a family. I couldn't ask to be taken care of better. I couldn't ask for more encouraging or caring people with me. I know that this blog isn't extremely detailed, but I hope that you know that I'm safe here...because the Hands that hold the World are holding my heart...even here. I hope you know that I'm learning, and I really hope you know that I'm growing. I'm not who I was...Thank God. :)

It's Not Always Rainbows and Butterflies

Man have I been super inconsistent in blogging, or what? Sorry about that. Things get crazy busy...and then I start updating pictures on facebook and trying to remember to reply to emails, so sometimes I totally forget to blog at all.

Anyway, God is still doing a big work in me here. I got the flu...the day before we had planned to go to the beach. Don't worry; we still went to the beach. I loaded up on anti-hystamines, acetaminophen, and cough syrup, slept the whole way there, and got ready for some sun. And boy did I get some sun... Now I am sick AND a lobster! But I had a really good time. I saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time in my life. It's beautiful, and the sand was black with flecks of red from the volcanoes. God is so amazing. The diversity that He's created even among beaches blows my mind.

I spent all of today sick in bed...and quite miserable, I might add. See, two of my kids came to school sick this week. It's the rainy season here in Guatemala, so sickness is somewhat abundant. Parents don't have a whole lot to do with their kids except put them in school, so oftentimes, kids come to school sick. My immune system is not the strongest. Despite my daily vitamin efforts, mono seems to have my immune system at a bit of a low point. I don't have any symptoms of mono (praise God), but my favorite little virus is quite comfortable in my body. I'm assuming that this friend of mine is partially responsible for my being sick, seeing as Valerie and Sully are absolutely fine.

So what am I learning? Well, I'm learning that God keeps His promises. I know that's a nice little cliche saying that everybody likes to quote when things aren't really going his/her way. It gives us hope. Well, I was reading Noah's account in Genesis, and I was just reminded of this simple truth. The day after I read that, I saw a beautiful rainbow after a horrific storm that had all the electricity down for a while.

I saw the rainbow the day before yesterday...the day I started getting sick. God promised me that He would use me this summer and that I would see things I had never seen before. In that moment He was whispering to me, I am with you, mija; I am with you. He keeps His promises. I know that now, sunburned, sick and miserable, I am learning. I'm learning to trust Him with my heart, my body, my mind, and my plans. He is with me. Nothing takes God by surprise. Everything that is happening and everything that will happen is in His hands. What do I have to worry about? I know that life isn't a bed of roses...why I thought this trip would be perfect is beyond me. If you've been following me for any period of time, you know that these last three and a half weeks have been far from perfect. But why would God take me into a "perfect" place to do missions? I've painted, played, taught, struggled with Spanish, sang in front of people in Spanish, rehearsed with the church orchestra, transposed music (something I'm a little proud of), hung out with the girls, grocery shopped, tried new foods, gotten sick, gotten a different sick, laughed, and cried. I love it. I wouldn't trade one moment of it for anything. God is molding me into a woman after his own heart.

I miss my friends and family very much. Mom is getting married very soon (CONGRATS to her and Mark). :) I've watched God answer the prayer of many when Alabaster got a job today. Josh is ballin at MaggieMoos, and Russel's birthday was yesterday. Derek is still at the theater, and I'm missing his lady, too. Jessica is still in China returning from her week-long camping trip. Dad and Julie made it to Canada. Caitlin, Paige, Madison, DeAnna, David, D-Rey, and Brittany (and others, I'm sure...don't hate me guys) are getting ready to head out to South Africa. The Pampell family is preparing to move out to South Africa. Jenni is preparing to step up into the director's position at LATech XA. Bri is getting ready to move to Zambia. Lori's getting ready to go to Zambia and then move to Virginia. Tyler and Wesley are already in Zambia. Bryce is at camp. Beth and Jessica are chillin in my apartment without me. Liz is working in Bossier. Jorge's in South LA. Holy cow. It looks like a lot of us have busy summers! (And those aren't even all of my friends...) It's crazy to see God working in so many places at once...keeping His promises to all of His children. :)

Adventure Is Out There!

So it's been a while since my last blog, and I'm happy to say I've pulled out of my funk. In my grumpy state I forgot to mention that last Thursday I sang at church. In Spanish. Valerie and Andrea were there, too, so that helped. I think we sounded pretty fabulous. ;) Then we went out for some authentic Mexican tacos, and it was quite an amazing experience.

Saturday, I made my first trip to Antigua with Sully, Andrea, and Valerie. We had a really good time, and it was even sunny for a while! I got souvenirs and took pictures with the awkward fountain, and we ate at the nicest McDonald's in the world! (I can feel you judging me for my choice of food while I'm in Guatemala, but I don't care. Sometimes cheap and familiar is the best route to take.) Then Andrea, Valerie, and I got hair wraps. :) That was super fun. It was a day full of adventure.

The Chavo also came on Saturday, and it was his birthday! So Valerie went to pick him up with Rudy and various other Guatemalans.

Then Sunday was a very different experience for me. We went to church, and after first service there is the usual "snack time." This is a hard time for me because many people say hello to me and ask me questions in Spanish. I usually understand the questions, but coming up with the answers is still hard. It's like I get put in the spotlight, and I just freeze. But they are generally very patient with me, and I'm less embarrassed to be around so many  people now. Then after snack time, we had a devotional about the end of the world. Thanks, Harold Camping.

Then I was off on an adventure with the Rojas...without Valerie. Crazy, right? I didn't know how to handle myself at first, but I knew I had at least 4 people in my corner who spoke English if I got stuck. We first went to a piñata for Ian, who turned one. :) That was with Rudy's side of the family. They were very nice to me, but I felt bad for Fernando. I felt how red my face got when his aunt asked if he was my "novio," and from what I heard, more than one other person gave him a hard time about it. Then we ducked out early (which was no easy task) to go have lunch with the Lopezes. I was very apprehensive about that, but I had a wonderful time. I learned how to play a new card game. I'm just going to call it 13 because I honestly have no idea what its real name is. If any of you are familiar with ERS, it's fairly similar...and yes! There is slapping involved. ;) I also played my first game of poker, and got a royal flush in my second hand. YAY ME! I would have won, too, I think, if we hadn't played "all or nothing" in our last hand.


Everyone was very accommodating to the language barrier, especially Andrea. I should thank her for that, but being around so many people from 9 am to 5 pm was very exhausting for me, so I went home with Sully and Rudy instead of staying to watch a movie with the other jovenes. ;)


And today is USA's birthday! -firework noises- It's my first Independence Day outside the states, and I think it's only my second Independence Day outside of Illinois. Anyway, I hope that it was celebrated enough in my absence...but I could go for a hot dog...and some of Jackie Pilon's raspberry pie. YUM!


But I am looking forward to a full and productive week of painting, cleaning, playing clarinet, dancing, teaching, and praising God for His wondrous works and patience.

Being Grumpy

I did not wake up on the wrong side of the bed; the stupid wall moved during the night! This is the day I've had. The stupid birds outside the stupid window were shreaking their stupid songs to wake me up. Did they not realize I'm 20, and it was only 8:20 in the morning? Also, I'm in my favorite kind of pain for the eighth day in a row. Whee. Then I had a "conversation" with a sleeping Alabaster while I was eating oatmeal that had too much milk in it, so it was mush. Then Mom called and I had to go because of devotions. I knew if I didn't get some meditation in, my day was going to suck.

So I finished my first day of "reading through the Bible in a Year." I should have started this at the beginning of the summer; alas, 500 meaningless excuses later, I began today. I prayed; it was good. The edge of my bad mood had been curbed, and I joined Valerie downstairs to help paint. The spiders were less than friendly, and many met an untimely demise. After we ran out of paint, we decided to eat lunch. I liked my sandwich, and I was able to watch FRIENDS, so my mood lightened all the more.

Valerie and I returned to the yellow room to finish painting after our bucket was kindly refilled. PS, have you ever painted a textured concrete wall with paint brushes? It takes a while. Two days later, and we still have touch-ups to do, but I think the girls will really like it.

She made it through her grumpy schlump. Yay! Now here comes the part where we're all enlightened!

I'm not entirely sure if that's what you were thinking, but I'm going to throw you a curve ball if that's the case. I went upstairs to talk to Alabaster since our first conversation was less than stimulating, and everything was very pleasant....and both parties stayed awake. It was wonderful. Then I decided that I needed a shower, so I gathered my things, and as soon as I finished, there was a knock on the door. Valerie was telling me we were off to get popcorn for happy-girly-fun-movie night with the girls. I assumed that we were going to be driven there, but Cindy, Valerie and I walked. Don't get me wrong, I love walking. I wasn't the least bit upset about it until about the 5th "wolf whistle."

If they weren't whistling, they were honking. Gringas don't go unnoticed here. I had to continually remind myself that flipping them the bird would be very unproductive as I am on a mission trip. Whatever happens, conduct yourself in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ echoed in my mind as it happened over and over again. I stopped counting at 15 because that seemed to make it worse. Round trip, it was about an hour and 45 minutes. We got two movies for the night: Rango & Zombie Undead. Wild gap, huh? Well Rango was a hit for all 6 of us, but Valerie decided to skip out on the zombies. I can't say I blame her. She probably made the better choice. The zombie movie was horrible...it's a British film. (go figure)

After cleaning up and saying goodnight, I was really looking forward to speaking with Alabaster again. Lucky for me, it was a train wreck from the first minute. My webcam has decided to be extremely tempramental and shut off whenever it pleases. The program for the software likes to pop up on my screen randomly, too. So I'm thoroughly annoyed, and my awesome mood seeps into the conversation and spoils the whole thing.

What a day. I look at this post, and I see my whining. I see that today was not totally unproductive. I see that happy-girly-fun movie night was a success, and yet I still feel grumpy. I understand that I am the only one that can change that; I understand that it's not beneficial to me or anyone in my war path to feel this way. I understand that I'm responsible for my feelings, but for goodness sake, it's hard to control my emotions sometimes. And sometimes I just don't want to. I sound like a brat...who am I kidding? I'm being a brat.

Father, thank You for Your continued patience with me. I have no insightful ending to this day, but You have promised me that you will never leave me. You put me here for a reason; please show me how to learn from my grumpy mood. I want to take up a permanent residence in Your Presence...because that is where the fullness of Joy is. Thank You for your eternal Joy that always lingers in my heart. I love you so much, Father. Wrap me in Your arms tonight.

You'll Never Know, Dear, How Much I Love You

Have I ever told you that I hate ants? Because I do. All of them. If every ant in the world were to die, I might have a party. I despise them. Why is this on my mind? Thanks for asking. Today I was tackled by my munchkins...into an ant bed. Oh yeah. The kids didn't understand why I was flailing like a bat out of...well you know where...and I didn't know what the word for ant was...or bite...so I just continued to flail around and say, "UN MOMENTO, POR FAVOR!!" while the ants feasted on my flesh. I have at least 30 ant bites.

This was the last of the long list of mishaps of the morning. The car ride to Amatitlan was a fiasco. Valerie had a wardrobe malfunction that left me teaching alone and her conversing with Benny the super tall tree and occasionally correcting my Spanish. haha. Then, while we were playing in the school yard after snack time...something kind of terrible may have happened. There was a munchkin clinging to my neck...and I was having a hard time breathing. I finally got him to release, and he pulled my shirt down to reveal the anchor just below my neck on my back. I think only 3 boys saw it, but they began to yell, "TIENES UN TATU" very loudly about a hundred million times in a row.

Let me explain why this is bad. In Guatemala, only gang members have tattoos. A Christian organization supports this school. These kids come from really shady neighborhoods. They're 4 and 5 years old. They don't know anything outside of what they've experienced first hand. Yep. I was busted by kindergarden boys. I finally got them to hush and said, "No solo con lapizero..." (no just with a pen) hoping they'd believe me and drop it. The good news is...it's Friday, and they have the weekend to forget it. Actually, they have an entire week to forget it. They have a 'mid-semester break' next week. Classes won't resume until Monday, July 4.

Anyway, a few other mishaps occurred on the playground today, too. Christian fell on his head. Luis got a busted lip. Gaby was being a tattle tale. There were many feelings hurt when Brayan killed a lightning bug. The girls were being very catty...and then the terrible anthill incident. Yeesh. What a Friday.

But then, just as a reminder that I'm where I need to be, I got a happy surprise while the kids were lined up outside waiting for their parents. Jostin and Christofer are twins, and their older brother poked his head in the gate. They ran to him and said "bye teachers!" (in English...man they're cute). I was watching the other munchkins when those two sweet boys came back in, each with a boquet of roses in his hand. Jostin ran to me and gave me the biggest hug, and Christofer did the same to Valerie. I hugged them both and said, "muchas gracias, niños." They skipped off and waved, and I was so touched. I beamed the rest of the time...and for most of the car ride back to the group home.

Jesus has been so good to me in that way. There is always a ray of sunshine in my day, even if it's a small one. As my Creator, He knows my primary love languages (which are physical touch and words of affirmation), and He is really good about using these children to love me in those ways. I know they don't realize how much little things matter to me. Their little hugs and the pictures they color and just their attention really help me understand why chidren are the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. They trust me the way I should trust Christ...with everything. They chase me and beg for my attention the way I should pursue and talk to God. I hope they're learning as much from me as I am from them.

Thanks, Jesus. I don't know why, but I didn't half expect this trip to be for me...Thanks for your patience. I am learning so much!

Faith Like a Child

So yesterday I braved Sunday church at La Verdad y La Vida, and I lived. I was very uncomfortable, but I lived. I am still learning how to suck it up, if you recall. I wish I understood more...They love to see my face get red. It comes with practice, I realize. It's only been 5 days.

Today I got to see my munchkins for the first time, and I adore them. I wish I could communicate with them better. Daniella is one of the smartest girls in the class, but she is also quite shy. So I may ask her to help me learn tomorrow. :) I think that would make her feel very important. She doesn't seek attention like some of the other munchkins, but her whole face lights up when she is affirmed.

There are 14 of them, and we get them for an hour and a half a day. I think we are going to run out of things to do. We really need to talk to Sully so we can start doing weekly lesson plans or something. I love the thought of having them for the next 7 weeks (minus that last Friday).

Gaby and Jorge teach them normal kindergarden things like writing letters and the sounds they make, and Valerie and I are teaching English and giving as much love to them as we can by playing with them and teaching them dance moves and what not. It's very VBS, and I wouldn't have it any other way. They couldn't remember our names at the end of class today, so when Gaby asked them who we were they said "teacher!!" in English. When she asked them what our real names were, Jusin shouted "panqueque!" which, if you can imagine, means pancake. Yep. Teacher Pancake. I can handle that. haha. We told them our names again, and Katie is seemingly much easier to pronounce than Valerie. Yay easy name!

So we played with them all recess. They love "corremos," which is just chase. They wore me out, but I love it. Then we taught them our warm-up dance...and they caught on very quickly. It's very fun. Tomorrow we will play "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" in Spanish and in English. I hope they like that. Maybe Simon Says will be good, too. I just need to learn some more Spanish before I jump into that. But we are teaching English. I think that could be a good tactic...log that away for later. :)

People keep telling me that things will get easier, and I know they are right. But sometimes it's hard to take people at their word. Alabaster and I talked about that on Skype today. God built us in a very interesting way. He created instincts for a reason, but there are times where we have to blow past our instinctual comfort zone because He has something better for us. Jesus said we will be like sheep among wolves. Does that sound safe to anyone? Because I'm pretty sure wolves like to eat sheep...It can be dangerous to take people at their word in all kinds of situations, while on a mission trip, in a relationship, even within a family because people are bound to let you down. But the good news is God will never fail you. He will never leave you or forsake you. He keeps His promises, and the worst thing that'll happen is death. The only way that will start to be comforting is when you see death as a reward. Eternity with Jesus? Yes please. I want to hear Him say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant," so I'm going to risk the discomfort because nothing beats the sovereignty and Christ.

A Lesson in Sucking It Up

Today I went to church with Fernando and Andrea, and it's the most stressful thing I've done this trip. I am overwhelmed completely. My head literally hurts because my eyebrows were furrowed for nearly three hours...and I only met the youth group. Luvia and Heber were the only two people that spoke English to me except for Fernando and Andrea. Granted, I'm in a country whose primary language is not English. The world does not cater to me, so I need to suck it up.

Sucking it up is hard! I am afraid to speak Spanish or make eye contact with anyone who does speak Spanish because then I'll be in a situation where I do have to speak Spanish. Yeah. I'm afraid to look foolish. Fear is something that keeps me from doing my best because if I act silly and don't try my hardest, the ridicule will just be towards my silliness, not towards me. If I try my hardest and still do poorly, then that's where the embarrassment gets personal.

So why am I here? How can I spread the Gospel to people who don't know Jesus if I can't even muster up enough courage to speak to those who do? This afternoon the youth pastor talked about 2 Corinthians 11 and 12 where Paul boasts in his sufferings. (I follow Spanish much better when I can see the words...unfortunately life doesn't come with captions.) Anyway, Paul is boasting in his sufferings because sufferings are promised, and in his weaknesses, Christ is glorified. Christ shines through even more brightly when there is no way we can take credit for something because it is a weakness of ours. I know that I have a lot of weaknesses, and I really couldn't get past that as the sermon went on. I was drowning myself in my own weaknesses, and all the while, Jesus was whispering, "My grace is sufficient for you, and my power is made perfect in your weakness." I very nearly burst into tears as I begged Jesus to use my strengths instead.

That's not how He works, though is it? His ways are higher and better than my ways. Always (siempre). So I will press on. I'm here for a reason, and I'm not leaving before my work is done. I will not give up, and I will sing through this battle:
Mi oración en la batalla
Cuando el triunfo no puedo ver
Soy coheredero y conquistador
En Cristo permaneceré -- Te alabaré;Te alabaré! Contra mí nada prevalecerá...me gozaré...declararé: Dios es mi triunfo y Él está aquí!

A lot of you probably know this song. "This is my prayer in the battle when triumph is still on its way. I am a co-heir and conqueror in Christ, so firm on His promise I'll stand. I will bring praise! I will bring praise! No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice...I will declare....God is my victory and He is here." So I'm battling. Who isn't? It's time to stop trying to pick myself up and allow Him to pick me up so I can keep going. Soy choeredero y conquistador en Cristo!!!

I'm not going to say I'm "ready" for tomorrow, but I know everything will be okay. I just need to relax and let God do His thing. I'm so grateful for His patience with me. So what about you? What are you fighting? Sometimes it seems easier to argue with God and beg Him to use your strengths instead of your weaknesses because we serve a God of mercy and grace. But it's much better for all persons involved in the long run if we choose to fight with Him against worldliness. Easier said than done, huh? Pero, con Dios todas las cosas son posibles!

You win some, you lose some

Ok, so I've officially been in Guatemala for 51 hours, and I feel like a lot has happened and nothing has happened at the same time.

I got sick last night, but not bad sick. It was bad enough for me to be in the fetal position for about 2 hours, but not bad enough to...well, you know..."blow up" the bathroom. So that's good. I was slightly terrified that I was going to experience dysentery. However, that wasn't the case, gracias a Dios.

I slept in until around 8:30 this morning (Valerie and I had been getting up at 6:30). Well, we got in the shower, and I learned a very important lesson there. This lesson was called "Do not touch the shower head." Why? Because it will shock you. Like electrocute you. Oops. Valerie actually told me that on the plane ride here, but I did not remember that until afterwards...obviously. I had a very productive day after that, however. I ate breakfast without almost blowing up the kitchen and had a wonderful little devotional in Matthew.

I only read one parable in Matthew 13 because I tried to read it in Spanish, and it was taking a long time. The parable I read was the Parable of the Sower. I have read this parable a bazillion times, but the simplicity of the story is really astounding to me. Jesus basically said, "You win some; you lose some, but even though you don't 'win' them all, the ones you do win mean so much." Losing is really, really hard for me. Always. I've made several 'humble pies' just since I've been here because I feel like my lack of knowledge of the language and culture is losing, but if I keep focusing on just that, I'll never experience victory. So I prayed and prayed this morning that not only would my mission field here be fertile ground for His Word, but my mind would be fertile ground in how I can grow in Him and what I can learn here. I want to be like a sponge. I feel like I have just enough boldness to get to Guatemala, and now my courage has run out. I'm jut glad the Holy Spirit residing in me is so much bigger than my cowardliness.

So after God began to implant a new heart and a renewed spirit in me, I talked to Alabaster for about 5 minutes. Then Valerie and I made our second VLOG on YouTube. Then we choreographed the warm up for our students. We begin teaching Monday, and we're helping them learn English in a "Dora the Explorer" kinda way--with songs and dancing. Well we are warming up to "Cartoon Heroes" by Aqua, which is very 90s, but very fun. I really think they will have a good time. We choreographed the whole song, and it was kind of exhausting. For those of you who do not know me, I am not a graceful person. I have never taken dance, and I was just kind of following Valerie. I did ok exept for this move that we do during the chorus. It took me 10 minutes just to get the concept down, and even now I don't do it well. Valerie says it's my homework...and I'm seriously going upstairs soon to practice. But after we finished that we celebrated with grilled turkey and cheese sandwhiches...and they were good! And nothing burned down in the process. Then we drank what we have very maturely dubbed "poopy tea." It supposedly helps with digestion, but it looks like poop. I can't really describe the taste. It wasn't horrible, but I wouldn't say it was good.

And we've successfully hunted and completely destroyed a misquito. He's been left on the wall to serve as an example for all other misquitoes that want to come into our room. I would certainly count this day as a success, even though we haven't left the group home. Sully and Rudy are in El Zapotillo until tomorrow, and Andrea and Fernando are busy studying their little heads off. So Valerie and I are making use of the time we have here to plan classes. Yay! I'm going to go practice my "dancing" and maybe I'll practice some Spanish with el hombre en la mesa. Eventually, I am hoping the girls who live downstairs will warm up to me (and I to them) so I can practice my Spanish with them, too. I wish I wasn't so afraid to be embarrassed. Workin on it. ;) Peace and blessings, ya'll, peace and blessings.

Flying Chickens, Boxed Milk, and Big Blue Eyes

So I’m literally flying over the Gulf of Mexico, trying to think of something profound to say, but I got nothing. The view is beautiful. The plane…hot. I have literally never been on a hot plane before today. I usually freeze, and here I am sweltering.

But I guess that’s not really the point, is it? It’s my first time out of the country, and I’m diving in head first. Seven weeks in Guatemala. I’m being trusted with the care of children, which is a bit scary, but between Valerie and me, I think they’ll be fine. I hope. ;)

I’m so glad that I serve such a big God. He’s with me on the plane, with the Rojas in Guatemala, with Tyler and Wesley in Zambia, with Mom in Louisiana, with Tony in South Africa, with Uncle Don in France and with Jessica in China. Woooow. If I served anything less than an all-powerful God, I’m not sure anyone would have been able to talk me into this. I mean, I’m flying over a giant body of water into a country whose primary language I do not speak where there are snakes and diseases I as an American have been fortunate enough never to run into.  Without a God that holds my future, that is terrifying. With Him, however, I have never been more excited. Still nervous? Yes, but mostly excited.

The pilot just informed us that the weather in Guatemala is about 78 degrees. I’m going to Heaven. :)

********

So here I am in Guatemala City. The Rojas were wonderful to me. Sully even took Valerie and me to Pollo Campero (it’s like KFC only better). I learned three things there:
1. How to point at what I want to eat.
2. I don’t like the Pepsi here.
3. Chickens fly in Guatemala. (This is a joke; a piece of Valerie’s chicken did have a mind to fling itself off the plate and into her hair though.)
Valerie has been pretty good to me thus far aside from the jokes about how clumsy I am (sad, but true). Although, I did not endure the first injury of the trip (yaaaaaaaaaay!). Valerie hit her knee on a chair in the airport before our first flight. I proceeded to giggle at her expense, and she said, “Well at least I can wear open-toed shoes!” referring to the fact that my father (wise man) decided that me getting Chocos was not the safest option for this adventure.

I also have already gone to Paiz, a local grocery store. We got some necessary items like shampoo, bread, milk (which comes in a box here), pasta, jelly, crackers, cookies, and honey. You know…familiar stuff. That was…well terrifying. I can read Spanish fine. I would have been ok navigating on my own, but once we got to check out the little cashier asked me something. I had no idea what he said, so I kinda just pretended like it didn’t happen. Then Valerie steps in and says something I can’t even bring to my memory. I’d ask her, but she’s already fallen asleep. I’m for sure not far behind. Anyway, then I was left alone with the cart for about 90 seconds, and when Valerie returned she commented on my look of panic. I tried to erase it to no avail. I know I’ll grow accustomed to the fast Spanish soon enough, pero por hora “más despacio por favor” will have to work.

I don’t have much to report today, but God is very, very good. I’m so glad for safe travels and a pretty easy time through customs. It’s a lot to take in right now, so I’m pretty exhausted. Tomorrow is a new day full of adventure, and I absolutely cannot wait to see what God has in store for me.

Oh, did I mention there’s a giant volcano next to the place we’re staying? There definitely is. It’s legit. Pictures to follow. LOVE. :) hasta pronto.

I'll Have the Pain & Suffering Peppered with Hope, Please

Pardon me for being a Debbie Downer for a post, but I hate going to the doctor. Especially the lady doctor. It's awkward and invasive and embarrassing all at the same time. It's also disappointing for me. Every single time. Because I have endometriosis, and there's no known cure for it. There's no way to "cure" the pain either...Just take pain killers. Also, I've had this condition for almost 5 years. At age 20, my doctor has asked me if I want to visit another doctor who specializes in infertility to take preventative measures. What am I supposed to do with that?

I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself since I've found all this out yesterday. Thirty-three hours later, and I got nothing. Sara was 90 years old, and she still had a baby. Is that what I'm afraid of? Infertility? I honestly don't know. I know that I want to have kids. I know that I want to adopt. I know that finding a man who will accept the fact that he can't "pass his seed" will be difficult, but not impossible. So what? Katie, what are you afraid of?

I hate being broken. I want to have things under control. I want to know that things are going to be okay. But I don't, and I won't because that's not God's plan for me. He loves me exactly the way He created me; He doesn't make mistakes. He runs to the broken. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

There is time for everything, a season for every activity under the sun. But I still feel guilty for mourning. Why is there pain and suffering...for us who have died to live?? Why do our families discourage us? Why is do we get cancer? Because there's a reason for everything?? No. Crap happens because the world is full of sin, but crap is all about perspecitve. I can either take this situation and allow it to mold me into the woman of empathy God is shaping, or I can let it crush me. Guess which one is easier?

"In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering." Hebrews 2:10. What makes me think I can escape suffering when my Savior did not? I'm pressed, but not crushed, and I hope that my suffering will aid in teaching me to love like He loves me--without abandon, reservation, or condition.

What can you learn from your suffering?

Conflicting Convictions

Alcohol. What a touchy subject for a Christian in college...Especially those who are around or slightly under the age of 21. What's legal/illegal? "Underage consumption of alcohol is allowed on private, non alcohol-selling premises without [parental] consent in seven states: California, Louisiana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Jersey, Oklahoma, and Wyoming."

Is legality really the issue? Ephesians 5:18 says, "Do not get drunk on wine which leads to dubachery, but instead be filled with the Spirit." Got it. Don't get drunk. Right?

I believe that there are shades of grey called conviction. Some people have a very high conviction for the consumption of alcohol, and some have very low conviction. So how do we prevent conflict? Those with low conviction should not consume around or near those with high conviction, right? Well doesn't that seem sneaky? It makes it look like there is something to hide; people start judging. People start talking. Feelings get hurt.

I have more questions than I can answer. What a controversial first post. Can I just say that this is hard? We (Christian college students) want the question answered for us...but we want a specific answer. We want it to be answered so that we are right...whether we have a high conviction or a low conviction for consumption. How do we fix this?

Appearances matter. I have influence. If it were to get out that one time I had a glass of wine or a rum and coke or a pina colada, what would that mean for me? What would it mean for me as a leader in a campus ministry? What would it mean for me as a student? A friend? An accoutability partner? People judge, but there is only One who is righteous.

Life is tricky, and growing up is hard. I don't have all the answers, but it's good to know the One who does.