Pardon me for being a Debbie Downer for a post, but I hate going to the doctor. Especially the lady doctor. It's awkward and invasive and embarrassing all at the same time. It's also disappointing for me. Every single time. Because I have endometriosis, and there's no known cure for it. There's no way to "cure" the pain either...Just take pain killers. Also, I've had this condition for almost 5 years. At age 20, my doctor has asked me if I want to visit another doctor who specializes in infertility to take preventative measures. What am I supposed to do with that?
I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself since I've found all this out yesterday. Thirty-three hours later, and I got nothing. Sara was 90 years old, and she still had a baby. Is that what I'm afraid of? Infertility? I honestly don't know. I know that I want to have kids. I know that I want to adopt. I know that finding a man who will accept the fact that he can't "pass his seed" will be difficult, but not impossible. So what? Katie, what are you afraid of?
I hate being broken. I want to have things under control. I want to know that things are going to be okay. But I don't, and I won't because that's not God's plan for me. He loves me exactly the way He created me; He doesn't make mistakes. He runs to the broken. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
There is time for everything, a season for every activity under the sun. But I still feel guilty for mourning. Why is there pain and suffering...for us who have died to live?? Why do our families discourage us? Why is do we get cancer? Because there's a reason for everything?? No. Crap happens because the world is full of sin, but crap is all about perspecitve. I can either take this situation and allow it to mold me into the woman of empathy God is shaping, or I can let it crush me. Guess which one is easier?
"In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering." Hebrews 2:10. What makes me think I can escape suffering when my Savior did not? I'm pressed, but not crushed, and I hope that my suffering will aid in teaching me to love like He loves me--without abandon, reservation, or condition.
What can you learn from your suffering?
I can relate to the constant pain day by day. Altho I have not had my terrible knees for 5 years (only 2) and I've had surgery on both that was supposed to fix the problem. Yet here I am with a bottle of advil or something always by my side to alleviate the pain. Im def annoyed by the pain and the constant need to sit. The thing I worry about the most is one day when I'm ready for kids I wont be able to be as good of a father to them because I'm crippled by pain...... yet I'm not giving up I am constantly pushing and searching for a way to improve my knees. Moral is you are strong never give up there is always a way. Seek and you shall find. God will never give you a bigger cross than you can carry.
ReplyDelete