Psalms

Psalms is super awesome.  Anyone ever notice what a roller coaster David is?  I realize that David did not write all 150 Psalms, but he wrote a lot of them—ranging from the cocoon of despair in Psalms 13 to a shout of joy in Psalm 100. I’m reading through Psalms right now…it’s suuuch a great book to study.

I feel like David would understand me (apart from the language barrier).  Personality psychologists think that David was an ENFJ...I am also an ENFJ.  I never feel more alone than when I feel like no one in the world understands any part of my brain. Lately, that's been pretty frequent.  But as I have been reading through Psalms, I have been praying so many of David's prayers...because they are my prayers. It's cool to know that I'm in the company of a man after God's own heart.

Wanna know something I love about David?  He was so real.  He pursued God without ceasing, & sin broke his heart.  Of course David still sinned; he was human.  But his sin and the sins of his people absolutely devastated him.  How many of us are grieved by sin?  How often do our hearts break because of that “little white lie” or that “one slip” into temptation?

Should we be living in self-loathing and condemning ourselves because of these sins?  No.  That’s just unproductive.  Romans 8:1 says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  But sin should break our hearts if it breaks the heart of the Holy Spirit within us.  Idealistically, this keeps us from sinning.

Soooo…I wrote this poem in September like right after my 21st birthday.  It definitely has a Psalm 13 thing going on…and since I’m talking about it why not post it?  It’s not happy or particularly well-written.  Just emotions.

I can hear the voices whispering like thunder in my head.
The list of defects pile up, and it’s easy
to believe the things they said.

I can’t think long enough to think straight as I fight to keep a smile.
But no one is looking for me anyway,
so the fight’s not worth my while.

I long to feel forgotten to know that once I had meant something.
But trying to stand out only helped me blend in
To the desperation I still cling.

It seems my family’s turned a blind eye, not wanting to condone
any behavior that screams for love
or any weakness to be shown.

So I watch myself get overlooked by people and by God;
The pain depletes my will to live
and pokes holes in my façade.

I don’t want to be a burden, but I reach out anyway.
And Jesus loves me through a friend
when it seemed impossible to pray.

The road ahead still looks so dark because I’m afraid to lose my dreams.
I’m drowning in the guilt of my selfishness
As around me the sorrow teems.

How long will you forget me, Lord? How do I delight in You?
Have Your glory in my weakness;
I give You the praise You’re due

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

As I expose myself and my wounds to the Internet, I understand that most people may think that I'm a silly girl whose problems go no further than feeling lonely.  Well, I could try to tell you that's not true and that this came at a really rotten time and that my heart feels like it's being ripped in two--but being defensive doesn't usually have good outcomes.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is music.  I love music...almost all of it.  But when I'm sad, I stop listening to it in all forms.  However, music is a part of me.  Sometimes I can't stop it from playing in my head.  That can often be a good thing...or a really bad thing. There are several songs that get stuck in my head during the grieving process of breaking up, so I just wanted to share the top ten songs (in no particular order) for my most recent brake up.

1. "Wishes" by Superchick
The saddest thing is you could be anything that you could want, we could have been everything. But now we're not--now it's not anything at all. The hardest part was getting this close to you, and giving up this dream I built with you: a fairy tale that isn't coming true. You've got some growing up to do.
That's just the first verse.  It's relevant to my feelings.

2. "Run to You" by PlusOne
Sometimes when the world gets so cold, and my heart is fifteen below.  And I feel like I'm so far from home: I run to You.  When life doesn't go like I plan...so confused and I don't understand,  it's hard 'cause it's out of my hands. So this is what I do when I got nothing left to give:  I run to You when I can't find my way, and I get lost in You when I don't have the faith.  When I don't know what to do, and I feel I can't make it through I run to You.
First verse and chorus.  It's a cheesy 90s boy band, but worse things could be stuck in my head.

3. "They Can't Take That Away From Me" by Frank Sinatra
The way your smile just beams, the way you sing off-key, the way you haunt my dreams. No, no- they can't take that away from me.  We may never, never meet again on that bumpy road to love.  Still I'll always keep the memory of...the way you hold your knife, the way we danced till 3, the way you changed my life...
That's actually most of the song.  So good, but it makes me sad.

4. "24" by Switchfoot
Twenty-four oceans, twenty-four skies, twenty-four failures after twenty-four tries. Twenty-four finds me in twenty-fourth place. Twenty-four drop outs at the end of the day. Life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago...still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You.
Mostly this got stuck in my head around noon for reasons I don't have to explain.  Twenty-four is also my favorite number.

5. "Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet?" by RelientK
I think you know what I'm getting at. I find it so upsetting that the memories that you select--you keep the bad, but the good you just forget. And even though I'm angry, I can still say: I know my heart will break the day when you peel out and drive away...I can't believe this happened. And all this time I never thought that all we had would be all for naught.
This song is so good. It's definitely worth a listen.

6. "Stand in the Rain" Superchick
She never slows down. She doesn't know why, but she knows that when she's all alone, it feels like it's all crashing down. She won't turn around. The shadows are long, and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop coming down. Stand in the rain; stand your ground. Stand up when it's all crashing down. Stand through the pain; you won't drown. And one day what's lost can be found, so stand in the rain.
First verse and chorus.  My awesome friend Kevin reminded me of this song.

7. "Turn Back the Time" by Chase Coy (aka Dear Juliet)
I just need a bit more time to get you off my mind tonight. I can't forget those bright blue eyes. I can't forget the moment they met mine--an angel in disguise. Please turn back the time.
This is an amazing song that I love.  So simple.  Actually several songs by him pop into my head.

8. "Worth It All the While" by GoRadio
Could we be something I'll remember forever, I'll ask you? If you scream just a little bit louder, then I'll sing just a little bit more, 'cause maybe we're what we've been waiting for. 'Cause these streets are a little bit colder, and who knows what waits in store? It's you and me forever and I'm sure we're worth fighting for.
This one isn't a particularly healthy song to be stuck in my head.  It doesn't help that GoRadio is his favorite band.

9. "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.
When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone..when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on. Don't let yourself go. Everybody cries, and everybody hurts sometimes. Sometimes everything is wrong...

Cliché, I know.

10. "Keep Singing" by MercyMe
Another rainy day...I can't recall having sunshine on my face, and all I feel is pain. And all I wanna do is walk out of this place, but when I am stuck, and I can't move...when I don't know what I should do...when I wonder if I'll ever make it through....I gotta keep singin. I gotta keep praising Your name. You're the one who's keeping my heart beating.

I love this song so much. It's so simple and beautiful.

So those are the big ones that have been playing in my head over and over and over since the break up.  And they could be worse for sure.  Unfortunately...it still sucks.  Sometimes we just have to walk through the mess, accept that it's messy, and make plans to clean ourselves up after we're done walking.  I'm lucky enough to have people willing to get messy with me because we weren't created to go through this grubby life alone.

Heartache

"1How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

2How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,'

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6I will sing to the Lord,

for he has been good to me." Psalm 13 NIV

All those with broken hearts-those who feel abandoned by family, friends, and God-are in good company.  David, the man after God's own heart, felt the same way.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 ESV

"2Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4 ESV

I have seen attack after attack in my own life and in the lives around me, and I'm broken over the struggles I see.  I am broken over families treating each other like garbage, even though that's promised in Matthew 10:21-22.  I am broken over the Enemy feeding Christians lies about their personal insecurities.  I am broken over my tendency to believe him.  I am broken over our inclination to run to people instead of God.  I am broken over the fact that I feel so helpless...and over the fact that I am so helpless.

"3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance [aka steadfastness], 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5  ESV


"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19a NIV

Hope. Hope is what we have and the World doesn't.  The HOPE is that this world is not our home.  The hope is that we understand that crap happens to good people as a consequence of sin.  Your sin, my sin, Adam's sin--SIN.  We live in a fallen world, and that's why bad things happen.  Not for a "reason."  Not to teach us a lesson.  Do we learn?  I would hope so.  We're being made complete so that we can lack nothing, according to James.  How can we share in the Joy of Christ without sharing in His suffering?  I'm not saying that Jesus doesn't use the crap for His glory; He most certainly does!  That is why Christians have hope.

I hate the saying that "God will never give you more than you can handle."  We can't handle it!  How do you expect to be made complete without Him?  He walks with you! JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH (Ezekiel 48:35) means "The Lord who is present."  JEHOVAH-ROHI (Psalm 23:1) means "The Lord my Shepherd."  The shepherd walks with his sheep.  Rejoice in the Presence of EL-SHADDAI (Genesis 17:1, Psalm 91:1), the Almighty God.

I know this is getting long, and I know that when we're down in the dumps, this isn't what we want to hear.  Regardless, it's what we need to hear.  I'm praying for your encouragement.  I am fighting for you.  That's a promise.  I love you with a fierce passion that was given to me by my Creator, and I will never give up on you.  She doesn't mean me.  Yes, I do.  I mean you my sister, my brother, my dear friend, my love.

I sit here in tears knowing the battle we face every day.  Put on that armor.  You are blessed.  You are highly favored.  You are loved.

"14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen" Ephesians 3:14-21 NIV

Happy Mediums

I have been meaning to write this out for a while. I hope it comes out in a way that other people can understand. I am in a conventional tither. I can't tell you how many times in the past 4 months I have said, "There's gotta be a happy medium somewhere..." I say this about everything.  Happy mediums really seem to be the key to stability.  It isn't easy is hard stinks is somewhat unpleasant ...sucks to be such an extreme person sometimes. I crave stability.

Let's visit a few of the areas where I need to find some middle ground:
1. Sharing feelings: it's either silently avoid the elephant in the room at all costs or identify the elephant...and describe its genitals in detail. (Can I say that?)
---The ideal middle ground would be to know the appropriate boundaries to set per person.  I don't have to divulge everything to any one person.  I can talk about what needs to be talked about, like the feelings I have that affect the relationship with each individual friend/family member/boyfriend.

2. Eating: it's either one meal a day (like a breakfast bar and maybe a tortilla with peanut butter later) or 3 meals a day with large, high-calorie snacks in between.
---The ideal middle ground would be to eat about 5 small meals a day, staying under 1400 net calories.  I know the food pyramid pretty well; I just need to eat fruits, veggies, grains, proteins, some carbs, etc. (Yes I said carbs...you can't burn fat without them.)

3. School: it's either all school all the time or all Pinterest/blogspot/facebook/twitter all the time.
---The ideal middle ground would be to spend some time every day keeping up with and getting ahead on my homework so that I have a little time to surf the web and be social.

4. Friendships: I either spend a lot of time with a few friends (usually one at a time) or some weekend time spent with many people at once.
---The ideal middle ground would be to spend some weekend time with a bunch of people at once because fellowship is fun & Biblical.  Then I should take some time during the week to eat with my friends one or two at a time.  We don't have to eat; we can do anything to spend time with each other.  Friendships just need to be nurtured.  One-on-one time is necessary.  I just need to keep good track of my friends and not neglect anyone.

5. Having Feelings: I seem to be either completely apathetic, or I get my feelings hurt by anything.
---The ideal middle ground is that I would gain some perspective from other people...See things in a different light.  I would learn how to receive grace & be graceful.  Some things would just roll off my back.

6.  Having interests:  Again I seem to either be completely apathetic, or I get really obsessed. (e.g. Pinterest)
---The ideal middle ground is for me to manage my time well and to not think about Shuckie Pinterest books exercise movies How I Met Your Mother sports anything more than I think about my Savior. That's called idolatry.

7. Being a girlfriend: I feel like I either come across as cold & uncaring or so obsessively clingy that I don't even want to be around myself.
---The ideal middle ground would be for me to pursue Him and not him...I shouldn't be pursuing him anyway, no matter how wonderful he is.

I'm stopping at seven because it's the number of completion, and I don't really want all of the Internet to know how incredibly insane I am.*  I need to leave a little mystery.  Now, it seems that I have found the middle ground solutions for my extreme problems; why can't I implement them?  I could literally list an excuse for every single one of them.  I am tempted to do so just to prove it...and to defend myself.  The point is to stop justifying.

What practical steps can I take to walk the middle ground in these areas?  I want to be healthy.  I want my relationships to be healthy.  What is it going to take?  Maybe I should just look up Scripture  per problem and study & pray about it until Jesus shows me these practical steps.  That sounds like a good step one.

Do you have any advice for me?  Is there a middle ground I can help you reach.  Oh, yeah...and Merry Christmas. :)

*Yes, I do realize I'm not that important.  I'm crazy, but I'm not that kind of crazy. 

Bah, Humbug

It seems like the "cool" thing to do these days is hate on Christmas.  Yes Christmas..."the most wonderful time of the year..."  Lovers of Christmas are as obnoxious as Buddy the Elf on a good day, and Christmas trees are stupid, ugly, pointless, and obnoxious.  I will admit to being among those with this mentality.

I am seeing it proved year after year that Christmas is nothing but a commercialized holiday that reminds singles that they are alone, broken families that they'll never be whole, widows that love has been ripped away from them, soldiers that they are thousands of miles away from anyone they love, the grieving that they are without fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, etc...When did I become so cynical?

Well today I have decided: I'm done hating Christmas.  The holiday has a long history. It is celebrated at the same time that the Romans celebrated Saturnalia even though Christ was probably born in the spring.  This was an attempt to replace the pagan traditions with Christian ones, but I find America celebrating Saturnalia instead.  We worship the god of money...giving out of our wealth.  No wonder the holiday is so depressing.  We don't look for the treasure in a stable; we look for it online and in malls.

While I will probably always hate the way America celebrates Christmas, I refuse to be cynical to the season any more. "Joy to the World" will be more than a carol.  God came to earth so that we could understand a piece of Him.  He loves us so much that He left riches and comfort and unfathomable splendor to be born where farm animals eat and poop.  He came to fulfill the prophecies...so that I (you, we) could join him in His riches and comfort and unfathomable splendor.  There is no greater love!  This is something to celebrate.  He was born for the sole purpose of dying that we might live forever.  Do you need a reason to hope (Hebrews 6:19)?

How selfish of me to hate Christmas!  It's not about me!  My thoughts wrap around and around ME...Christmas will never be the same. I'm not home. I have no money. There's no snow. My family is broken. People argue. "Holiday pounds." Are you kidding me, Katie?  I mean, really...you're going to spend a season that recognizes the birth of your Savior, your Teacher, your Love, your Friend thinking about yourself? Well, I say no more.  I hope that you are able to find joy and comfort, not sadness and isolation this season.  Because we celebrate the birth of any child as a new miracle, as we should!  But this child...He saved the world.  Celebrate. If you want to nix the American Christmas tradition, go for it...but don't let your hatred for the way Christmas is "celebrated" harden your heart towards the reason for the season.

I am "That" girl

So I cannot in any way, shape, or form take credit for this idea. My beautiful best friend Valerie (Ginger Spice and Everything Nice...check her out) did it first. I haven't updated in a million years, and I have a loottt of feelings. So here it goes.

I never wanted to be "that" girl. I never wanted anyone to pin me. We all want to be unique but still fit in, too, right? As I started thinking about who I am and who "that" girl is, I found that over the course of my life I have compiled a very long list of who and what I don't want to be. So on top of the list of "no's" there is a list of "can'ts." And instead of trying to figure out what was good about me (trust me the thought briefly crossed my mind, and the task seemed impossible), I listened to Idina Menzel sing "I'm Not That Girl" on repeat for days, drowning in my own insecurities. "Don't wish; don't start...wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn't born for the rose and pearl. There's a girl I know; He loves her so...I'm not that girl..."

I'll never be thin enough, but I can't be "that" girl who so obviously she thinks she's fat. I will always have baggage, but I can't be "that" girl who talks about her problems all the time. I will never be beautiful, but I can't be "that" girl who wears her insecurities on her sleeve. ...The list goes on and on.

So today as I procrastinate doing homework, Christmas shopping, and cleaning my room, I have decided to flesh out who I am in hopes to gain some direction...and maybe to inspire you to think about who you are.

I am that girl...
who is eager to please Christ but terrified that she is going to screw everything up.
who knows that Jesus has already provided for past and future mistakes but struggles to transfer this information from her head to her heart.
who still cries when she hears "Butterfly Kisses."
who wants more than anything to know others and be known.
who talks to her reflection when she can bear to look at it.
who sings for any reason at all in hopes that someone will hear it and find it pleasing.
who wants people to think she's pretty.
who is a pretty rockin' powerlifter.
who is incredibly self conscious about her manly hands.
who wishes she could be more like her sister.
who loves having tiny feet.
who still jams out to Veggie Tales.
who wishes she still loved Christmas.
who wants her boyfriend to become "facebook official," but wants it to be his idea.
who dances really badly, but dances anyway.
who loves deeply.
who wants to be tiny because tiny things are adorable.
who is obsessed with Pinterest.
who misses playing basketball.
who wishes she were less competetive.
who is really smart.
who plays clarinet.
who can't wait to get married.
who likes to get crafty.
who really wants someone to leave an anonymous note on her door/car/bike/anywhere.
who doesn't like to wear makeup.
who counts her steps when she's walking.
who loves the taste of cinnamon toothpaste.
who is looking for any reason to take a million pictures with Shuckie...because we have none.
who has a terrible case of senoritis.
who worries about everything.
who wants desperately to be a mother.
who is terrified of pushing people away.
who sometimes pushes people away in an attempt not to.
who hears voices no one else can.
who finds it incredibly difficult to be crazy and smart.
who is in love with the idea of being in love.
who smiles because it's worth it.
who loves children's movies.
who has to be the best at everything and hates it.
who reads a little too obsessively.
who reeeaallllyy loves hugs...from anyone.
who loves making others smile.
who is really afraid she's not worth it.
who drives an Element named Bruce.
who bikes a lot...but not well.
who takes the long way to classes just to watch people.
who is terrified of clowns.
who loves sunflowers.
who adores kisses.
who is a treasured princess in Heaven,
and who wants to be a treasured princess here.

I know that this doesn't even come close to summing me up, but I also know that this blog is getting really lengthy. I'm sure that if there is anyone that does read my blog, he/she does not really care to know any more about me. But I DO want to know about you...really. Talk to me: in person, text, call, comment on my blog, message me, leave me a note, write me a letter, etc. I want to know you...because I love you. :) I really, really do.

Poderoso

Well I guess it's been almost 3 months since I have blogged. Have I been busy? Yes. Incredibly. Quick recap:
-Returned from Guatemala
-Wedding reception for my mom and Mark
-Returned to Ruston
-Basically watched Heroes and tried to recover from an upper respiratory infection for I don't know how long
-Vision Vacation
-Started building relationships with other students
-School
-More relationships
-School
-More relationships
-school...
-Doctor's appointments, etc.

Yes you get the idea...with a few nervous breakdowns and a return to counseling thrown in there, too. So now that we've established that life happens, let's get going!

It's been a roller coaster for me. My emotions have been the highest of high to the lowest of low, and I don't know that I could even identify what they are now. There are two things I know for sure (butterfly kisses is stuck in your head now isn't it?): 1. God has a good, pleasing, and perfect plan 2. He's NOT going to lay it out for me.

I think He's been trying to tell me this for a couple of years. I know He's teaching me how to trust. Duh, Katie, anyone who has ever read any of your blogs knows that you have trust issues with your Heavenly Father. Yes, well, I know I shouldn't have trust issues with Him, so it took me a while to really understand that I have been relying on my own strength to get me through a lot of what's going on in my life. I have some walls harboring unhealed sections in my heart.

So now what? What does it look like to walk in the freedom of obedience when my doctor throws out unlikely worst-case-scenarios about brain tumors? What emotional boundaries can I set when a boy is thrown into my life? What practical steps can I take to ensure school doesn't consume me? How do I rid myself of worry over finances? How do I stop obsessing over weight? What does it look like for me to allow myself to be broken over my past so that I can experience healing? At what level can I grieve over my health problems?

I look over these questions, and I feel guilty for not knowing the answers. Maybe I even feel guilty for asking them. I feel keenly aware of all of my inadequacies, but maybe that's a good thing. His power is made perfect in my weakness. I know that You are for me; I know that You are for me. I know that You would never forsake me in my weakness. I know that You have come now, even if to write upon my heart, to remind me Who You are.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Eph 3:20-21