Psalms

Psalms is super awesome.  Anyone ever notice what a roller coaster David is?  I realize that David did not write all 150 Psalms, but he wrote a lot of them—ranging from the cocoon of despair in Psalms 13 to a shout of joy in Psalm 100. I’m reading through Psalms right now…it’s suuuch a great book to study.

I feel like David would understand me (apart from the language barrier).  Personality psychologists think that David was an ENFJ...I am also an ENFJ.  I never feel more alone than when I feel like no one in the world understands any part of my brain. Lately, that's been pretty frequent.  But as I have been reading through Psalms, I have been praying so many of David's prayers...because they are my prayers. It's cool to know that I'm in the company of a man after God's own heart.

Wanna know something I love about David?  He was so real.  He pursued God without ceasing, & sin broke his heart.  Of course David still sinned; he was human.  But his sin and the sins of his people absolutely devastated him.  How many of us are grieved by sin?  How often do our hearts break because of that “little white lie” or that “one slip” into temptation?

Should we be living in self-loathing and condemning ourselves because of these sins?  No.  That’s just unproductive.  Romans 8:1 says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  But sin should break our hearts if it breaks the heart of the Holy Spirit within us.  Idealistically, this keeps us from sinning.

Soooo…I wrote this poem in September like right after my 21st birthday.  It definitely has a Psalm 13 thing going on…and since I’m talking about it why not post it?  It’s not happy or particularly well-written.  Just emotions.

I can hear the voices whispering like thunder in my head.
The list of defects pile up, and it’s easy
to believe the things they said.

I can’t think long enough to think straight as I fight to keep a smile.
But no one is looking for me anyway,
so the fight’s not worth my while.

I long to feel forgotten to know that once I had meant something.
But trying to stand out only helped me blend in
To the desperation I still cling.

It seems my family’s turned a blind eye, not wanting to condone
any behavior that screams for love
or any weakness to be shown.

So I watch myself get overlooked by people and by God;
The pain depletes my will to live
and pokes holes in my façade.

I don’t want to be a burden, but I reach out anyway.
And Jesus loves me through a friend
when it seemed impossible to pray.

The road ahead still looks so dark because I’m afraid to lose my dreams.
I’m drowning in the guilt of my selfishness
As around me the sorrow teems.

How long will you forget me, Lord? How do I delight in You?
Have Your glory in my weakness;
I give You the praise You’re due