Heartache

"1How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

2How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,'

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6I will sing to the Lord,

for he has been good to me." Psalm 13 NIV

All those with broken hearts-those who feel abandoned by family, friends, and God-are in good company.  David, the man after God's own heart, felt the same way.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 ESV

"2Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4 ESV

I have seen attack after attack in my own life and in the lives around me, and I'm broken over the struggles I see.  I am broken over families treating each other like garbage, even though that's promised in Matthew 10:21-22.  I am broken over the Enemy feeding Christians lies about their personal insecurities.  I am broken over my tendency to believe him.  I am broken over our inclination to run to people instead of God.  I am broken over the fact that I feel so helpless...and over the fact that I am so helpless.

"3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance [aka steadfastness], 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5  ESV


"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19a NIV

Hope. Hope is what we have and the World doesn't.  The HOPE is that this world is not our home.  The hope is that we understand that crap happens to good people as a consequence of sin.  Your sin, my sin, Adam's sin--SIN.  We live in a fallen world, and that's why bad things happen.  Not for a "reason."  Not to teach us a lesson.  Do we learn?  I would hope so.  We're being made complete so that we can lack nothing, according to James.  How can we share in the Joy of Christ without sharing in His suffering?  I'm not saying that Jesus doesn't use the crap for His glory; He most certainly does!  That is why Christians have hope.

I hate the saying that "God will never give you more than you can handle."  We can't handle it!  How do you expect to be made complete without Him?  He walks with you! JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH (Ezekiel 48:35) means "The Lord who is present."  JEHOVAH-ROHI (Psalm 23:1) means "The Lord my Shepherd."  The shepherd walks with his sheep.  Rejoice in the Presence of EL-SHADDAI (Genesis 17:1, Psalm 91:1), the Almighty God.

I know this is getting long, and I know that when we're down in the dumps, this isn't what we want to hear.  Regardless, it's what we need to hear.  I'm praying for your encouragement.  I am fighting for you.  That's a promise.  I love you with a fierce passion that was given to me by my Creator, and I will never give up on you.  She doesn't mean me.  Yes, I do.  I mean you my sister, my brother, my dear friend, my love.

I sit here in tears knowing the battle we face every day.  Put on that armor.  You are blessed.  You are highly favored.  You are loved.

"14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen" Ephesians 3:14-21 NIV

Happy Mediums

I have been meaning to write this out for a while. I hope it comes out in a way that other people can understand. I am in a conventional tither. I can't tell you how many times in the past 4 months I have said, "There's gotta be a happy medium somewhere..." I say this about everything.  Happy mediums really seem to be the key to stability.  It isn't easy is hard stinks is somewhat unpleasant ...sucks to be such an extreme person sometimes. I crave stability.

Let's visit a few of the areas where I need to find some middle ground:
1. Sharing feelings: it's either silently avoid the elephant in the room at all costs or identify the elephant...and describe its genitals in detail. (Can I say that?)
---The ideal middle ground would be to know the appropriate boundaries to set per person.  I don't have to divulge everything to any one person.  I can talk about what needs to be talked about, like the feelings I have that affect the relationship with each individual friend/family member/boyfriend.

2. Eating: it's either one meal a day (like a breakfast bar and maybe a tortilla with peanut butter later) or 3 meals a day with large, high-calorie snacks in between.
---The ideal middle ground would be to eat about 5 small meals a day, staying under 1400 net calories.  I know the food pyramid pretty well; I just need to eat fruits, veggies, grains, proteins, some carbs, etc. (Yes I said carbs...you can't burn fat without them.)

3. School: it's either all school all the time or all Pinterest/blogspot/facebook/twitter all the time.
---The ideal middle ground would be to spend some time every day keeping up with and getting ahead on my homework so that I have a little time to surf the web and be social.

4. Friendships: I either spend a lot of time with a few friends (usually one at a time) or some weekend time spent with many people at once.
---The ideal middle ground would be to spend some weekend time with a bunch of people at once because fellowship is fun & Biblical.  Then I should take some time during the week to eat with my friends one or two at a time.  We don't have to eat; we can do anything to spend time with each other.  Friendships just need to be nurtured.  One-on-one time is necessary.  I just need to keep good track of my friends and not neglect anyone.

5. Having Feelings: I seem to be either completely apathetic, or I get my feelings hurt by anything.
---The ideal middle ground is that I would gain some perspective from other people...See things in a different light.  I would learn how to receive grace & be graceful.  Some things would just roll off my back.

6.  Having interests:  Again I seem to either be completely apathetic, or I get really obsessed. (e.g. Pinterest)
---The ideal middle ground is for me to manage my time well and to not think about Shuckie Pinterest books exercise movies How I Met Your Mother sports anything more than I think about my Savior. That's called idolatry.

7. Being a girlfriend: I feel like I either come across as cold & uncaring or so obsessively clingy that I don't even want to be around myself.
---The ideal middle ground would be for me to pursue Him and not him...I shouldn't be pursuing him anyway, no matter how wonderful he is.

I'm stopping at seven because it's the number of completion, and I don't really want all of the Internet to know how incredibly insane I am.*  I need to leave a little mystery.  Now, it seems that I have found the middle ground solutions for my extreme problems; why can't I implement them?  I could literally list an excuse for every single one of them.  I am tempted to do so just to prove it...and to defend myself.  The point is to stop justifying.

What practical steps can I take to walk the middle ground in these areas?  I want to be healthy.  I want my relationships to be healthy.  What is it going to take?  Maybe I should just look up Scripture  per problem and study & pray about it until Jesus shows me these practical steps.  That sounds like a good step one.

Do you have any advice for me?  Is there a middle ground I can help you reach.  Oh, yeah...and Merry Christmas. :)

*Yes, I do realize I'm not that important.  I'm crazy, but I'm not that kind of crazy. 

Bah, Humbug

It seems like the "cool" thing to do these days is hate on Christmas.  Yes Christmas..."the most wonderful time of the year..."  Lovers of Christmas are as obnoxious as Buddy the Elf on a good day, and Christmas trees are stupid, ugly, pointless, and obnoxious.  I will admit to being among those with this mentality.

I am seeing it proved year after year that Christmas is nothing but a commercialized holiday that reminds singles that they are alone, broken families that they'll never be whole, widows that love has been ripped away from them, soldiers that they are thousands of miles away from anyone they love, the grieving that they are without fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, etc...When did I become so cynical?

Well today I have decided: I'm done hating Christmas.  The holiday has a long history. It is celebrated at the same time that the Romans celebrated Saturnalia even though Christ was probably born in the spring.  This was an attempt to replace the pagan traditions with Christian ones, but I find America celebrating Saturnalia instead.  We worship the god of money...giving out of our wealth.  No wonder the holiday is so depressing.  We don't look for the treasure in a stable; we look for it online and in malls.

While I will probably always hate the way America celebrates Christmas, I refuse to be cynical to the season any more. "Joy to the World" will be more than a carol.  God came to earth so that we could understand a piece of Him.  He loves us so much that He left riches and comfort and unfathomable splendor to be born where farm animals eat and poop.  He came to fulfill the prophecies...so that I (you, we) could join him in His riches and comfort and unfathomable splendor.  There is no greater love!  This is something to celebrate.  He was born for the sole purpose of dying that we might live forever.  Do you need a reason to hope (Hebrews 6:19)?

How selfish of me to hate Christmas!  It's not about me!  My thoughts wrap around and around ME...Christmas will never be the same. I'm not home. I have no money. There's no snow. My family is broken. People argue. "Holiday pounds." Are you kidding me, Katie?  I mean, really...you're going to spend a season that recognizes the birth of your Savior, your Teacher, your Love, your Friend thinking about yourself? Well, I say no more.  I hope that you are able to find joy and comfort, not sadness and isolation this season.  Because we celebrate the birth of any child as a new miracle, as we should!  But this child...He saved the world.  Celebrate. If you want to nix the American Christmas tradition, go for it...but don't let your hatred for the way Christmas is "celebrated" harden your heart towards the reason for the season.

I am "That" girl

So I cannot in any way, shape, or form take credit for this idea. My beautiful best friend Valerie (Ginger Spice and Everything Nice...check her out) did it first. I haven't updated in a million years, and I have a loottt of feelings. So here it goes.

I never wanted to be "that" girl. I never wanted anyone to pin me. We all want to be unique but still fit in, too, right? As I started thinking about who I am and who "that" girl is, I found that over the course of my life I have compiled a very long list of who and what I don't want to be. So on top of the list of "no's" there is a list of "can'ts." And instead of trying to figure out what was good about me (trust me the thought briefly crossed my mind, and the task seemed impossible), I listened to Idina Menzel sing "I'm Not That Girl" on repeat for days, drowning in my own insecurities. "Don't wish; don't start...wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn't born for the rose and pearl. There's a girl I know; He loves her so...I'm not that girl..."

I'll never be thin enough, but I can't be "that" girl who so obviously she thinks she's fat. I will always have baggage, but I can't be "that" girl who talks about her problems all the time. I will never be beautiful, but I can't be "that" girl who wears her insecurities on her sleeve. ...The list goes on and on.

So today as I procrastinate doing homework, Christmas shopping, and cleaning my room, I have decided to flesh out who I am in hopes to gain some direction...and maybe to inspire you to think about who you are.

I am that girl...
who is eager to please Christ but terrified that she is going to screw everything up.
who knows that Jesus has already provided for past and future mistakes but struggles to transfer this information from her head to her heart.
who still cries when she hears "Butterfly Kisses."
who wants more than anything to know others and be known.
who talks to her reflection when she can bear to look at it.
who sings for any reason at all in hopes that someone will hear it and find it pleasing.
who wants people to think she's pretty.
who is a pretty rockin' powerlifter.
who is incredibly self conscious about her manly hands.
who wishes she could be more like her sister.
who loves having tiny feet.
who still jams out to Veggie Tales.
who wishes she still loved Christmas.
who wants her boyfriend to become "facebook official," but wants it to be his idea.
who dances really badly, but dances anyway.
who loves deeply.
who wants to be tiny because tiny things are adorable.
who is obsessed with Pinterest.
who misses playing basketball.
who wishes she were less competetive.
who is really smart.
who plays clarinet.
who can't wait to get married.
who likes to get crafty.
who really wants someone to leave an anonymous note on her door/car/bike/anywhere.
who doesn't like to wear makeup.
who counts her steps when she's walking.
who loves the taste of cinnamon toothpaste.
who is looking for any reason to take a million pictures with Shuckie...because we have none.
who has a terrible case of senoritis.
who worries about everything.
who wants desperately to be a mother.
who is terrified of pushing people away.
who sometimes pushes people away in an attempt not to.
who hears voices no one else can.
who finds it incredibly difficult to be crazy and smart.
who is in love with the idea of being in love.
who smiles because it's worth it.
who loves children's movies.
who has to be the best at everything and hates it.
who reads a little too obsessively.
who reeeaallllyy loves hugs...from anyone.
who loves making others smile.
who is really afraid she's not worth it.
who drives an Element named Bruce.
who bikes a lot...but not well.
who takes the long way to classes just to watch people.
who is terrified of clowns.
who loves sunflowers.
who adores kisses.
who is a treasured princess in Heaven,
and who wants to be a treasured princess here.

I know that this doesn't even come close to summing me up, but I also know that this blog is getting really lengthy. I'm sure that if there is anyone that does read my blog, he/she does not really care to know any more about me. But I DO want to know about you...really. Talk to me: in person, text, call, comment on my blog, message me, leave me a note, write me a letter, etc. I want to know you...because I love you. :) I really, really do.

Poderoso

Well I guess it's been almost 3 months since I have blogged. Have I been busy? Yes. Incredibly. Quick recap:
-Returned from Guatemala
-Wedding reception for my mom and Mark
-Returned to Ruston
-Basically watched Heroes and tried to recover from an upper respiratory infection for I don't know how long
-Vision Vacation
-Started building relationships with other students
-School
-More relationships
-School
-More relationships
-school...
-Doctor's appointments, etc.

Yes you get the idea...with a few nervous breakdowns and a return to counseling thrown in there, too. So now that we've established that life happens, let's get going!

It's been a roller coaster for me. My emotions have been the highest of high to the lowest of low, and I don't know that I could even identify what they are now. There are two things I know for sure (butterfly kisses is stuck in your head now isn't it?): 1. God has a good, pleasing, and perfect plan 2. He's NOT going to lay it out for me.

I think He's been trying to tell me this for a couple of years. I know He's teaching me how to trust. Duh, Katie, anyone who has ever read any of your blogs knows that you have trust issues with your Heavenly Father. Yes, well, I know I shouldn't have trust issues with Him, so it took me a while to really understand that I have been relying on my own strength to get me through a lot of what's going on in my life. I have some walls harboring unhealed sections in my heart.

So now what? What does it look like to walk in the freedom of obedience when my doctor throws out unlikely worst-case-scenarios about brain tumors? What emotional boundaries can I set when a boy is thrown into my life? What practical steps can I take to ensure school doesn't consume me? How do I rid myself of worry over finances? How do I stop obsessing over weight? What does it look like for me to allow myself to be broken over my past so that I can experience healing? At what level can I grieve over my health problems?

I look over these questions, and I feel guilty for not knowing the answers. Maybe I even feel guilty for asking them. I feel keenly aware of all of my inadequacies, but maybe that's a good thing. His power is made perfect in my weakness. I know that You are for me; I know that You are for me. I know that You would never forsake me in my weakness. I know that You have come now, even if to write upon my heart, to remind me Who You are.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Eph 3:20-21

Seeing God in Everything Good

It's amazingly easy to focus on the bad, isn't it? I've noticed that in people--but mostly myself. When I get in a bad mood, I don't want to be comforted. I'm perfectly content to stay there until I'm ready to be happy again. Then I wonder why I spend so much of my time exhausted.

Focusing on negative feelings takes up so much energy. So why is it so easy, I wonder? It's ridiculous that as I sit in one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, I can much more quickly draw up a list of bad things than good things. How selfish can one person be?

I will not have my only written memories be bad ones. I've justified myself time and time again that writing is an outlet for my emotions...and the only ones I really want to get rid of are the bad ones. Writing them out helps to expel them from my body or mind or wherever it is they reside, but it also preserves them. This can be good if I write both good and bad feelings. The bad ones can remind me of how far I've come and how far God's grace extends, and the good ones can facilitate in story-telling and in reminding me of God's goodness.

So, I'm going to write down a few awesome things in my life right now. First of all, I have a God who puts up with my roller coaster emotions with endless patience. His love consumes me, and I'll stand up again and do so willingly. I have a wonderfully supportive family who never stops praying for me. I know that I'll always have at least 7 people in my corner ready to help me in any way they can. I have fabulous friends who also pray for me and are always willing to have fun with me and aren't afraid to call me out. Then there's Alabaster who seems willing enough to put up with all my crazy, and we're not even dating yet. I have a friend who is like a second mother who prays for me as faithfully as she does her own children. I have my XA family who cares deeply about who I am in Christ and helps me grow.

I'm also in a beautiful country with my best friend with the opportunity to serve Christ and advance His Kingdom. God has provided a wonderful family to watch out for us, and I truly love them as they have become MY family. I have 13 kindergarten students whom I absolutely adore. They love me, too. I know that when they are with me, they see and experience love. I have made friends here in Guatemala that I know will last a lifetime. I got to celebrate the precious day of Valerie's birth yesterday. I have literally gone this whole trip without having a panic attack (PTL). I have had the opportunity to learn the Spanish language, patience, how to receive grace, how to give grace, how to paint a cement wall, how to choreograph dances for children, how to make Pastor Max feel awkward, how to love unconditionally, how to pray better, how to dance in the rain (figuratively and literally), how to trust God to keep His promises, how to NOT be so anal about time, how to play new games (even poker...I know. I'm a sinner)....and so many other things.

My favorite thing that I've learned: being embarrassed sucks, but it doesn't last forever. Plus, if you're wise, you'll learn from your mistakes...whether it's a word mispronounced or fessing up to doing something stupid that ended up hurting someone (physically or emotionally...), it's not likely you'll want to duplicate the feeling of being embarrassed.

I've even had the opportunity to see some of the most beautiful things ever ranging from girls in the home taking care of each other like sisters to the breathtaking landscape of volcanoes. There is so much good happening here...and there is so much good happening in me. Satan is not strong enough to bring me down because even if there were nothing good in my life (which, as you can see, there's a lot of good): My God's not dead. He's surely alive, and He's livin on the inside roarin like a lion. And that's better news than anything man can create. BOO-YAAHHH Satan!

The Weekend Catch-Up

Hey!! So since my last blog was suuppper general and stuff, let's play a little game I like to call 'catch-up!'

So I went to El Lago de Atitlán last weekend (15-18) with Valerie, the Chavo (her bf), and the Chavo's friend Ignacio. Two of the days we mostly traveled because it's waaaay up high in the mountains. The lake itself is a volcano crater filled with water. It is absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful. There are 15 villages around the lake (it's huge), and 12 of them are named for the 12 apostles of Christ. That's pretty cool; Guatemala is very, very Catholic, but not in the Vatican kind of way. [Aside: When the Spanish conquistadors came to overtake Guatemala they had this very gruesome policy...convert or die. So all of the natives they came across converted..(wouldn't you?)...but they didn't really convert. They just re-named their pagan gods by calling them by the names of the Catholic saints. So the 'Catholics' not actually Catholic. It's a very scary thing. Most of the Natives (Mayan descendents) are 'Catholic,' and the Natives make up about 80% of this country's population. I learned how to pray more specifically for this country in learning this bit of information.] -Ahem- annyyywaaay. We stayed in the village of San Marcos, but we also visited San Pedro across the lake. Our little hotel was very cute, and very cheap. It was nice minus the stupid boys that worked the docs.

San Pedro was great. We went there one day to do some shopping. I got to see Valerie haggle, and I was very impressed. It was really fun minus the part where I came very close to a nervous breakdown. I couldn't pinpoint the reason until I got back from the lake, but I've figured it out now. I have this tendency to suppress negative feelings, and that's bad for someone with anxiety problems. See the thing is...I was really, really uncomfortable being around the Chavo's friend. The Chavo had absolutely no idea that his friend was going to be so..well awkward and just...creepy. It wasn't his fault, and he apologized a million times. His friend hit on me a lot that weekend, and I was so uncomfortable around him even when he wasn't. Anyway, I successfully avoided him for the rest of the trip after that because Valerie caught on to my discomfort sooner than I did.

After the almost-breakdown we decided to do something easy: kayaking on the very peaceful lake. Lucky for all of us, Ignacio didn't come. We had a great time just paddling and talking and picking pumice stones out of the water. Then we decided to dock because it was obvious that a storm was coming. And then something very...strange happened.

Now it's time for 'Only in Guatemala' -- a game we all have fun playing here. So we're docking our kayaks, and the dock is covered in wet munchkins...in their underwear...all of them being boys. The age range was anywhere from about 8 to 13 years old. So, if any of you have kayaked before...you know that it's pretty awkward getting out of one without getting wet. These wet, nearly-naked munchkins basically attacked us to 'help' us out of our kayaks. It was either accept their help or swim to the shore...and trust me, that was a tough decision to make. So, we allowed them to help us out of the water, and when we were all ashore, they began shouting, "one money!" Yep. I knew they were going to want money. They followed us all the way back to our room. So we gave them like a quetzal each and shooed them away. I didn't feel bad because I didn't want their help in the first place. aawwwkkkwarrrddd.

And then this weekend we went to a theme park and a water park. That was fun...minus the clowns and the staring. I generally don't like being in a swimsuit around a bunch of people, but in a world where I'm already constantly being stared at because of my hair and skin color, I felt especially uncomfortable. I'll blog about being a minority later. Anyway, the stupid payasos were everywhere with their painted faces and balloons. And they laughed at me. They knew I was afraid of them...not that it wasn't obvious when I started covering my face with my hat every time one was within eyesight. I very nearly cried...and I did have nightmares about them Friday night. boo.

But all in all, I am very fortunate to have been able to see these parts of Guatemala. On top of all that, I've seen my first black sand beach and gotten to know the culture here a little better. I love this country. I don't really have anything enlightening to say other than that. Yay leisure blog. ;) So how is everyone else's summer going?