You'll Never Know, Dear, How Much I Love You

Have I ever told you that I hate ants? Because I do. All of them. If every ant in the world were to die, I might have a party. I despise them. Why is this on my mind? Thanks for asking. Today I was tackled by my munchkins...into an ant bed. Oh yeah. The kids didn't understand why I was flailing like a bat out of...well you know where...and I didn't know what the word for ant was...or bite...so I just continued to flail around and say, "UN MOMENTO, POR FAVOR!!" while the ants feasted on my flesh. I have at least 30 ant bites.

This was the last of the long list of mishaps of the morning. The car ride to Amatitlan was a fiasco. Valerie had a wardrobe malfunction that left me teaching alone and her conversing with Benny the super tall tree and occasionally correcting my Spanish. haha. Then, while we were playing in the school yard after snack time...something kind of terrible may have happened. There was a munchkin clinging to my neck...and I was having a hard time breathing. I finally got him to release, and he pulled my shirt down to reveal the anchor just below my neck on my back. I think only 3 boys saw it, but they began to yell, "TIENES UN TATU" very loudly about a hundred million times in a row.

Let me explain why this is bad. In Guatemala, only gang members have tattoos. A Christian organization supports this school. These kids come from really shady neighborhoods. They're 4 and 5 years old. They don't know anything outside of what they've experienced first hand. Yep. I was busted by kindergarden boys. I finally got them to hush and said, "No solo con lapizero..." (no just with a pen) hoping they'd believe me and drop it. The good news is...it's Friday, and they have the weekend to forget it. Actually, they have an entire week to forget it. They have a 'mid-semester break' next week. Classes won't resume until Monday, July 4.

Anyway, a few other mishaps occurred on the playground today, too. Christian fell on his head. Luis got a busted lip. Gaby was being a tattle tale. There were many feelings hurt when Brayan killed a lightning bug. The girls were being very catty...and then the terrible anthill incident. Yeesh. What a Friday.

But then, just as a reminder that I'm where I need to be, I got a happy surprise while the kids were lined up outside waiting for their parents. Jostin and Christofer are twins, and their older brother poked his head in the gate. They ran to him and said "bye teachers!" (in English...man they're cute). I was watching the other munchkins when those two sweet boys came back in, each with a boquet of roses in his hand. Jostin ran to me and gave me the biggest hug, and Christofer did the same to Valerie. I hugged them both and said, "muchas gracias, niños." They skipped off and waved, and I was so touched. I beamed the rest of the time...and for most of the car ride back to the group home.

Jesus has been so good to me in that way. There is always a ray of sunshine in my day, even if it's a small one. As my Creator, He knows my primary love languages (which are physical touch and words of affirmation), and He is really good about using these children to love me in those ways. I know they don't realize how much little things matter to me. Their little hugs and the pictures they color and just their attention really help me understand why chidren are the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. They trust me the way I should trust Christ...with everything. They chase me and beg for my attention the way I should pursue and talk to God. I hope they're learning as much from me as I am from them.

Thanks, Jesus. I don't know why, but I didn't half expect this trip to be for me...Thanks for your patience. I am learning so much!

Faith Like a Child

So yesterday I braved Sunday church at La Verdad y La Vida, and I lived. I was very uncomfortable, but I lived. I am still learning how to suck it up, if you recall. I wish I understood more...They love to see my face get red. It comes with practice, I realize. It's only been 5 days.

Today I got to see my munchkins for the first time, and I adore them. I wish I could communicate with them better. Daniella is one of the smartest girls in the class, but she is also quite shy. So I may ask her to help me learn tomorrow. :) I think that would make her feel very important. She doesn't seek attention like some of the other munchkins, but her whole face lights up when she is affirmed.

There are 14 of them, and we get them for an hour and a half a day. I think we are going to run out of things to do. We really need to talk to Sully so we can start doing weekly lesson plans or something. I love the thought of having them for the next 7 weeks (minus that last Friday).

Gaby and Jorge teach them normal kindergarden things like writing letters and the sounds they make, and Valerie and I are teaching English and giving as much love to them as we can by playing with them and teaching them dance moves and what not. It's very VBS, and I wouldn't have it any other way. They couldn't remember our names at the end of class today, so when Gaby asked them who we were they said "teacher!!" in English. When she asked them what our real names were, Jusin shouted "panqueque!" which, if you can imagine, means pancake. Yep. Teacher Pancake. I can handle that. haha. We told them our names again, and Katie is seemingly much easier to pronounce than Valerie. Yay easy name!

So we played with them all recess. They love "corremos," which is just chase. They wore me out, but I love it. Then we taught them our warm-up dance...and they caught on very quickly. It's very fun. Tomorrow we will play "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" in Spanish and in English. I hope they like that. Maybe Simon Says will be good, too. I just need to learn some more Spanish before I jump into that. But we are teaching English. I think that could be a good tactic...log that away for later. :)

People keep telling me that things will get easier, and I know they are right. But sometimes it's hard to take people at their word. Alabaster and I talked about that on Skype today. God built us in a very interesting way. He created instincts for a reason, but there are times where we have to blow past our instinctual comfort zone because He has something better for us. Jesus said we will be like sheep among wolves. Does that sound safe to anyone? Because I'm pretty sure wolves like to eat sheep...It can be dangerous to take people at their word in all kinds of situations, while on a mission trip, in a relationship, even within a family because people are bound to let you down. But the good news is God will never fail you. He will never leave you or forsake you. He keeps His promises, and the worst thing that'll happen is death. The only way that will start to be comforting is when you see death as a reward. Eternity with Jesus? Yes please. I want to hear Him say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant," so I'm going to risk the discomfort because nothing beats the sovereignty and Christ.

A Lesson in Sucking It Up

Today I went to church with Fernando and Andrea, and it's the most stressful thing I've done this trip. I am overwhelmed completely. My head literally hurts because my eyebrows were furrowed for nearly three hours...and I only met the youth group. Luvia and Heber were the only two people that spoke English to me except for Fernando and Andrea. Granted, I'm in a country whose primary language is not English. The world does not cater to me, so I need to suck it up.

Sucking it up is hard! I am afraid to speak Spanish or make eye contact with anyone who does speak Spanish because then I'll be in a situation where I do have to speak Spanish. Yeah. I'm afraid to look foolish. Fear is something that keeps me from doing my best because if I act silly and don't try my hardest, the ridicule will just be towards my silliness, not towards me. If I try my hardest and still do poorly, then that's where the embarrassment gets personal.

So why am I here? How can I spread the Gospel to people who don't know Jesus if I can't even muster up enough courage to speak to those who do? This afternoon the youth pastor talked about 2 Corinthians 11 and 12 where Paul boasts in his sufferings. (I follow Spanish much better when I can see the words...unfortunately life doesn't come with captions.) Anyway, Paul is boasting in his sufferings because sufferings are promised, and in his weaknesses, Christ is glorified. Christ shines through even more brightly when there is no way we can take credit for something because it is a weakness of ours. I know that I have a lot of weaknesses, and I really couldn't get past that as the sermon went on. I was drowning myself in my own weaknesses, and all the while, Jesus was whispering, "My grace is sufficient for you, and my power is made perfect in your weakness." I very nearly burst into tears as I begged Jesus to use my strengths instead.

That's not how He works, though is it? His ways are higher and better than my ways. Always (siempre). So I will press on. I'm here for a reason, and I'm not leaving before my work is done. I will not give up, and I will sing through this battle:
Mi oración en la batalla
Cuando el triunfo no puedo ver
Soy coheredero y conquistador
En Cristo permaneceré -- Te alabaré;Te alabaré! Contra mí nada prevalecerá...me gozaré...declararé: Dios es mi triunfo y Él está aquí!

A lot of you probably know this song. "This is my prayer in the battle when triumph is still on its way. I am a co-heir and conqueror in Christ, so firm on His promise I'll stand. I will bring praise! I will bring praise! No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice...I will declare....God is my victory and He is here." So I'm battling. Who isn't? It's time to stop trying to pick myself up and allow Him to pick me up so I can keep going. Soy choeredero y conquistador en Cristo!!!

I'm not going to say I'm "ready" for tomorrow, but I know everything will be okay. I just need to relax and let God do His thing. I'm so grateful for His patience with me. So what about you? What are you fighting? Sometimes it seems easier to argue with God and beg Him to use your strengths instead of your weaknesses because we serve a God of mercy and grace. But it's much better for all persons involved in the long run if we choose to fight with Him against worldliness. Easier said than done, huh? Pero, con Dios todas las cosas son posibles!

You win some, you lose some

Ok, so I've officially been in Guatemala for 51 hours, and I feel like a lot has happened and nothing has happened at the same time.

I got sick last night, but not bad sick. It was bad enough for me to be in the fetal position for about 2 hours, but not bad enough to...well, you know..."blow up" the bathroom. So that's good. I was slightly terrified that I was going to experience dysentery. However, that wasn't the case, gracias a Dios.

I slept in until around 8:30 this morning (Valerie and I had been getting up at 6:30). Well, we got in the shower, and I learned a very important lesson there. This lesson was called "Do not touch the shower head." Why? Because it will shock you. Like electrocute you. Oops. Valerie actually told me that on the plane ride here, but I did not remember that until afterwards...obviously. I had a very productive day after that, however. I ate breakfast without almost blowing up the kitchen and had a wonderful little devotional in Matthew.

I only read one parable in Matthew 13 because I tried to read it in Spanish, and it was taking a long time. The parable I read was the Parable of the Sower. I have read this parable a bazillion times, but the simplicity of the story is really astounding to me. Jesus basically said, "You win some; you lose some, but even though you don't 'win' them all, the ones you do win mean so much." Losing is really, really hard for me. Always. I've made several 'humble pies' just since I've been here because I feel like my lack of knowledge of the language and culture is losing, but if I keep focusing on just that, I'll never experience victory. So I prayed and prayed this morning that not only would my mission field here be fertile ground for His Word, but my mind would be fertile ground in how I can grow in Him and what I can learn here. I want to be like a sponge. I feel like I have just enough boldness to get to Guatemala, and now my courage has run out. I'm jut glad the Holy Spirit residing in me is so much bigger than my cowardliness.

So after God began to implant a new heart and a renewed spirit in me, I talked to Alabaster for about 5 minutes. Then Valerie and I made our second VLOG on YouTube. Then we choreographed the warm up for our students. We begin teaching Monday, and we're helping them learn English in a "Dora the Explorer" kinda way--with songs and dancing. Well we are warming up to "Cartoon Heroes" by Aqua, which is very 90s, but very fun. I really think they will have a good time. We choreographed the whole song, and it was kind of exhausting. For those of you who do not know me, I am not a graceful person. I have never taken dance, and I was just kind of following Valerie. I did ok exept for this move that we do during the chorus. It took me 10 minutes just to get the concept down, and even now I don't do it well. Valerie says it's my homework...and I'm seriously going upstairs soon to practice. But after we finished that we celebrated with grilled turkey and cheese sandwhiches...and they were good! And nothing burned down in the process. Then we drank what we have very maturely dubbed "poopy tea." It supposedly helps with digestion, but it looks like poop. I can't really describe the taste. It wasn't horrible, but I wouldn't say it was good.

And we've successfully hunted and completely destroyed a misquito. He's been left on the wall to serve as an example for all other misquitoes that want to come into our room. I would certainly count this day as a success, even though we haven't left the group home. Sully and Rudy are in El Zapotillo until tomorrow, and Andrea and Fernando are busy studying their little heads off. So Valerie and I are making use of the time we have here to plan classes. Yay! I'm going to go practice my "dancing" and maybe I'll practice some Spanish with el hombre en la mesa. Eventually, I am hoping the girls who live downstairs will warm up to me (and I to them) so I can practice my Spanish with them, too. I wish I wasn't so afraid to be embarrassed. Workin on it. ;) Peace and blessings, ya'll, peace and blessings.

Flying Chickens, Boxed Milk, and Big Blue Eyes

So I’m literally flying over the Gulf of Mexico, trying to think of something profound to say, but I got nothing. The view is beautiful. The plane…hot. I have literally never been on a hot plane before today. I usually freeze, and here I am sweltering.

But I guess that’s not really the point, is it? It’s my first time out of the country, and I’m diving in head first. Seven weeks in Guatemala. I’m being trusted with the care of children, which is a bit scary, but between Valerie and me, I think they’ll be fine. I hope. ;)

I’m so glad that I serve such a big God. He’s with me on the plane, with the Rojas in Guatemala, with Tyler and Wesley in Zambia, with Mom in Louisiana, with Tony in South Africa, with Uncle Don in France and with Jessica in China. Woooow. If I served anything less than an all-powerful God, I’m not sure anyone would have been able to talk me into this. I mean, I’m flying over a giant body of water into a country whose primary language I do not speak where there are snakes and diseases I as an American have been fortunate enough never to run into.  Without a God that holds my future, that is terrifying. With Him, however, I have never been more excited. Still nervous? Yes, but mostly excited.

The pilot just informed us that the weather in Guatemala is about 78 degrees. I’m going to Heaven. :)

********

So here I am in Guatemala City. The Rojas were wonderful to me. Sully even took Valerie and me to Pollo Campero (it’s like KFC only better). I learned three things there:
1. How to point at what I want to eat.
2. I don’t like the Pepsi here.
3. Chickens fly in Guatemala. (This is a joke; a piece of Valerie’s chicken did have a mind to fling itself off the plate and into her hair though.)
Valerie has been pretty good to me thus far aside from the jokes about how clumsy I am (sad, but true). Although, I did not endure the first injury of the trip (yaaaaaaaaaay!). Valerie hit her knee on a chair in the airport before our first flight. I proceeded to giggle at her expense, and she said, “Well at least I can wear open-toed shoes!” referring to the fact that my father (wise man) decided that me getting Chocos was not the safest option for this adventure.

I also have already gone to Paiz, a local grocery store. We got some necessary items like shampoo, bread, milk (which comes in a box here), pasta, jelly, crackers, cookies, and honey. You know…familiar stuff. That was…well terrifying. I can read Spanish fine. I would have been ok navigating on my own, but once we got to check out the little cashier asked me something. I had no idea what he said, so I kinda just pretended like it didn’t happen. Then Valerie steps in and says something I can’t even bring to my memory. I’d ask her, but she’s already fallen asleep. I’m for sure not far behind. Anyway, then I was left alone with the cart for about 90 seconds, and when Valerie returned she commented on my look of panic. I tried to erase it to no avail. I know I’ll grow accustomed to the fast Spanish soon enough, pero por hora “más despacio por favor” will have to work.

I don’t have much to report today, but God is very, very good. I’m so glad for safe travels and a pretty easy time through customs. It’s a lot to take in right now, so I’m pretty exhausted. Tomorrow is a new day full of adventure, and I absolutely cannot wait to see what God has in store for me.

Oh, did I mention there’s a giant volcano next to the place we’re staying? There definitely is. It’s legit. Pictures to follow. LOVE. :) hasta pronto.

I'll Have the Pain & Suffering Peppered with Hope, Please

Pardon me for being a Debbie Downer for a post, but I hate going to the doctor. Especially the lady doctor. It's awkward and invasive and embarrassing all at the same time. It's also disappointing for me. Every single time. Because I have endometriosis, and there's no known cure for it. There's no way to "cure" the pain either...Just take pain killers. Also, I've had this condition for almost 5 years. At age 20, my doctor has asked me if I want to visit another doctor who specializes in infertility to take preventative measures. What am I supposed to do with that?

I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself since I've found all this out yesterday. Thirty-three hours later, and I got nothing. Sara was 90 years old, and she still had a baby. Is that what I'm afraid of? Infertility? I honestly don't know. I know that I want to have kids. I know that I want to adopt. I know that finding a man who will accept the fact that he can't "pass his seed" will be difficult, but not impossible. So what? Katie, what are you afraid of?

I hate being broken. I want to have things under control. I want to know that things are going to be okay. But I don't, and I won't because that's not God's plan for me. He loves me exactly the way He created me; He doesn't make mistakes. He runs to the broken. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

There is time for everything, a season for every activity under the sun. But I still feel guilty for mourning. Why is there pain and suffering...for us who have died to live?? Why do our families discourage us? Why is do we get cancer? Because there's a reason for everything?? No. Crap happens because the world is full of sin, but crap is all about perspecitve. I can either take this situation and allow it to mold me into the woman of empathy God is shaping, or I can let it crush me. Guess which one is easier?

"In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering." Hebrews 2:10. What makes me think I can escape suffering when my Savior did not? I'm pressed, but not crushed, and I hope that my suffering will aid in teaching me to love like He loves me--without abandon, reservation, or condition.

What can you learn from your suffering?