Psalms

Psalms is super awesome.  Anyone ever notice what a roller coaster David is?  I realize that David did not write all 150 Psalms, but he wrote a lot of them—ranging from the cocoon of despair in Psalms 13 to a shout of joy in Psalm 100. I’m reading through Psalms right now…it’s suuuch a great book to study.

I feel like David would understand me (apart from the language barrier).  Personality psychologists think that David was an ENFJ...I am also an ENFJ.  I never feel more alone than when I feel like no one in the world understands any part of my brain. Lately, that's been pretty frequent.  But as I have been reading through Psalms, I have been praying so many of David's prayers...because they are my prayers. It's cool to know that I'm in the company of a man after God's own heart.

Wanna know something I love about David?  He was so real.  He pursued God without ceasing, & sin broke his heart.  Of course David still sinned; he was human.  But his sin and the sins of his people absolutely devastated him.  How many of us are grieved by sin?  How often do our hearts break because of that “little white lie” or that “one slip” into temptation?

Should we be living in self-loathing and condemning ourselves because of these sins?  No.  That’s just unproductive.  Romans 8:1 says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  But sin should break our hearts if it breaks the heart of the Holy Spirit within us.  Idealistically, this keeps us from sinning.

Soooo…I wrote this poem in September like right after my 21st birthday.  It definitely has a Psalm 13 thing going on…and since I’m talking about it why not post it?  It’s not happy or particularly well-written.  Just emotions.

I can hear the voices whispering like thunder in my head.
The list of defects pile up, and it’s easy
to believe the things they said.

I can’t think long enough to think straight as I fight to keep a smile.
But no one is looking for me anyway,
so the fight’s not worth my while.

I long to feel forgotten to know that once I had meant something.
But trying to stand out only helped me blend in
To the desperation I still cling.

It seems my family’s turned a blind eye, not wanting to condone
any behavior that screams for love
or any weakness to be shown.

So I watch myself get overlooked by people and by God;
The pain depletes my will to live
and pokes holes in my façade.

I don’t want to be a burden, but I reach out anyway.
And Jesus loves me through a friend
when it seemed impossible to pray.

The road ahead still looks so dark because I’m afraid to lose my dreams.
I’m drowning in the guilt of my selfishness
As around me the sorrow teems.

How long will you forget me, Lord? How do I delight in You?
Have Your glory in my weakness;
I give You the praise You’re due

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

As I expose myself and my wounds to the Internet, I understand that most people may think that I'm a silly girl whose problems go no further than feeling lonely.  Well, I could try to tell you that's not true and that this came at a really rotten time and that my heart feels like it's being ripped in two--but being defensive doesn't usually have good outcomes.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is music.  I love music...almost all of it.  But when I'm sad, I stop listening to it in all forms.  However, music is a part of me.  Sometimes I can't stop it from playing in my head.  That can often be a good thing...or a really bad thing. There are several songs that get stuck in my head during the grieving process of breaking up, so I just wanted to share the top ten songs (in no particular order) for my most recent brake up.

1. "Wishes" by Superchick
The saddest thing is you could be anything that you could want, we could have been everything. But now we're not--now it's not anything at all. The hardest part was getting this close to you, and giving up this dream I built with you: a fairy tale that isn't coming true. You've got some growing up to do.
That's just the first verse.  It's relevant to my feelings.

2. "Run to You" by PlusOne
Sometimes when the world gets so cold, and my heart is fifteen below.  And I feel like I'm so far from home: I run to You.  When life doesn't go like I plan...so confused and I don't understand,  it's hard 'cause it's out of my hands. So this is what I do when I got nothing left to give:  I run to You when I can't find my way, and I get lost in You when I don't have the faith.  When I don't know what to do, and I feel I can't make it through I run to You.
First verse and chorus.  It's a cheesy 90s boy band, but worse things could be stuck in my head.

3. "They Can't Take That Away From Me" by Frank Sinatra
The way your smile just beams, the way you sing off-key, the way you haunt my dreams. No, no- they can't take that away from me.  We may never, never meet again on that bumpy road to love.  Still I'll always keep the memory of...the way you hold your knife, the way we danced till 3, the way you changed my life...
That's actually most of the song.  So good, but it makes me sad.

4. "24" by Switchfoot
Twenty-four oceans, twenty-four skies, twenty-four failures after twenty-four tries. Twenty-four finds me in twenty-fourth place. Twenty-four drop outs at the end of the day. Life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago...still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You.
Mostly this got stuck in my head around noon for reasons I don't have to explain.  Twenty-four is also my favorite number.

5. "Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet?" by RelientK
I think you know what I'm getting at. I find it so upsetting that the memories that you select--you keep the bad, but the good you just forget. And even though I'm angry, I can still say: I know my heart will break the day when you peel out and drive away...I can't believe this happened. And all this time I never thought that all we had would be all for naught.
This song is so good. It's definitely worth a listen.

6. "Stand in the Rain" Superchick
She never slows down. She doesn't know why, but she knows that when she's all alone, it feels like it's all crashing down. She won't turn around. The shadows are long, and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop coming down. Stand in the rain; stand your ground. Stand up when it's all crashing down. Stand through the pain; you won't drown. And one day what's lost can be found, so stand in the rain.
First verse and chorus.  My awesome friend Kevin reminded me of this song.

7. "Turn Back the Time" by Chase Coy (aka Dear Juliet)
I just need a bit more time to get you off my mind tonight. I can't forget those bright blue eyes. I can't forget the moment they met mine--an angel in disguise. Please turn back the time.
This is an amazing song that I love.  So simple.  Actually several songs by him pop into my head.

8. "Worth It All the While" by GoRadio
Could we be something I'll remember forever, I'll ask you? If you scream just a little bit louder, then I'll sing just a little bit more, 'cause maybe we're what we've been waiting for. 'Cause these streets are a little bit colder, and who knows what waits in store? It's you and me forever and I'm sure we're worth fighting for.
This one isn't a particularly healthy song to be stuck in my head.  It doesn't help that GoRadio is his favorite band.

9. "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.
When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone..when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on. Don't let yourself go. Everybody cries, and everybody hurts sometimes. Sometimes everything is wrong...

Cliché, I know.

10. "Keep Singing" by MercyMe
Another rainy day...I can't recall having sunshine on my face, and all I feel is pain. And all I wanna do is walk out of this place, but when I am stuck, and I can't move...when I don't know what I should do...when I wonder if I'll ever make it through....I gotta keep singin. I gotta keep praising Your name. You're the one who's keeping my heart beating.

I love this song so much. It's so simple and beautiful.

So those are the big ones that have been playing in my head over and over and over since the break up.  And they could be worse for sure.  Unfortunately...it still sucks.  Sometimes we just have to walk through the mess, accept that it's messy, and make plans to clean ourselves up after we're done walking.  I'm lucky enough to have people willing to get messy with me because we weren't created to go through this grubby life alone.