The Musings of an Unretired Poet

HEY THERE BLOGGING WORLD! Good gravy, I've missed this.  So...there's not really a "step back in" intro today...segue...

So...my high school days were dramatic to say the least.  Today I celebrate a month of marriage, and tomorrow I celebrate my 23rd birthday.  So why bring up high school?  Well, I'll tell you; it just might take me a minute to get there.

So I just moved from Ruston to Kenner.  And I hate moving...like I really hate it.  I mean--who actually likes putting all their stuff in boxes and wonder to themselves "When the smell did I get all this CRAP?!"  But I will say there is one beautiful thing about moving: re-discovering journals.  I found a poetry journal that I started in 8th grade.  I was only as old as 16 when I finished the journal, and its successor is lost forever.  It was recommended to me that I delete the journal I kept from age 17 to age 19 because I would seriously spiral into a depression when I read it.  Part of it is because I expressed myself in a painfully explicit way, and part of it was because life really sucked to 17-19 year-old me.  And honestly, when I look back at it...I think it would have sucked to anyone.  What depresses me about not having this journal anymore is that I don't have the poetry that I wrote in those years.

I don't know how many of you have noticed, but poetry birthed from pain is often the best.  Sometimes it's also the worst (ha), but the shadows of those hauntings still dance in the back of my mind.  I cannot seem to grasp them, though, to re-write them.

However, I have found 2 poems from my 16-year-old self that I think are worth sharing.  So, please, enjoy.

This poem was written on a flight to Washington, D.C. while I was on my way to a leadership conference (HOBY/WLC...best place ever).  It may recall Emily Dickenson (not that I compare myself to her), but it actually moves me still.

"Sky" (7/19/2007)

Might I take a piece of cloud

to rest my head upon?

I'd like to sleep away my troubles now

until each one is gone.

May I use a ray of sun

to turn my grey skies blue?

I need a bit of light to find my way

So I can come home to you.

May I use the peace of sky

only for a little while?

I need it to ease my troubled heart

that I may walk another mile.

Might I take a piece of cloud

to bury my sorrows in?

As it grows heavy with my tears,

I'll put it out to dry again.

This next poem was written literally in the woods one Saturday that I hated the pretenses of the world.  Yes, I was dramatic, but I can't help but feel slightly proud of my sophomoric insight.

Untitled (4/28/2007)

I dress myself for the day;

quick. abrupt movements

seem to control me.

Irushoutthedoor to be greeted

by perfect sunlight dancing along the air.

My feet take me steadily downhill.

I soon embrace soft scents of

surrounding wood, mud, and plants

of which I do not know the name.

My feet choose their own path.

I fear nothing.

completely alone and all but silent.

Everything hides behind the lie of day.

Simplicity.

This life is not simple--

although everyone, everything

tries to make it seem that way.

Nothing goes about life undisturbed

or without worry...

and yet masks cover our faces

JUST to be sure no one knows our battle.

Like the birds we sing songs to please

others.

But we keep OUR songs inside.

Like a frightened doe we run

because anything could be a threat.

My heart beats no steady rhythm

as I sit here by myself.

Nature continues to surround me,

Anxious.

Afraid of my presence

and changed by time.

I used to know this place;

it used to know me, too.

But that was another lifetime...

is this the start of something new?

So, I'm no Emerson...I'm no Thoreau.  I'm no Frost who could write of the woods as if they were a part of him.  But there is something about digging up my own old poetry that makes me feel.   It just makes me feel--not better or even good.  I just feel...deeply.  And I like it.  Why did I ever put down my pen?

I'll Become Even More Undignified Than This

Yesterday I went to service with some of my students.  It was the most genuine form of the celebration of the Father that I have ever seen.  And from what I can tell…this is weekly.  The Son is alive and well here in Hong Kong, and that is so encouraging to me!!

Even in the midst of a culture that values education above all…but even only sees that as means to an end, there is hope.  There is joy.

So the people celebrating yesterday were just so genuinely happy that we had come to join them.  I really wish I could have recorded the singing and dancing that occurred there so I could constantly remind myself how it feels to be surrounded by this uncorrupted form of reverence and excitement.  It was untouched by the cynicism which claims that there is no hope for the lost.  Untouched by anything that had the ability to rob a person of Joy.

I genuinely hope that I never forget the FREEDOM I have encountered—the freedom that I still have today through the Son.  They reminded me of this freedom yesterday.  Was it because they had the most talented group of musicians on the stage? No.  Was it because they had the most powerful man speaking after we sang?  No.  It was because I watched people jump and sing without regard to what anyone may think of them.

We were very evident visitors in this gathering…The only North Americans in the room.  We’re a rag tag team, and I was even wearing shorts.  But not one person thought it odd that I dressed casually.  Students ran up to the stage while everyone sang and jumped and danced to the music.  They sang in English.  They sang in Cantonese.  Everyone was so hospitable…so caring…so accommodating.  The speaker translated his message line by line.  How considerate!! They sang songs in English because they anticipated our arrival!  My student and two other students from our school even took us out to breakfast before.

This is what a FAMILY looks like…and I have one here in Hong Kong.  It’s so beautiful that it literally brought tears to my eyes.  I never want to forget my family here.  This part of the Body is eager to help, and I sincerely hope that someday I’ll be able to return to celebrate Him together again.

I really just wanted to share briefly what yesterday was like for me.  Keep thinking about:
--the lost
--peace for students in Asia
--hope to be passed on
--joy to be seen and understood

These sweet people can use all the help they can get!  I hope I will be able to return the lavish display of love by asking you to think of them:  that they may stay encouraged; that they may be bold; that they may be steadfast; that they may have words to speak to peers; that they may do well in school; that they will not be disappointed (Rom 5); that they may be and experience His Hands and Feet; and that they may learn how to mentor new brothers and sisters effectively.  Think of them as often as you can.  The Son is alive and well in Hong Kong!  Rejoice!!

When you fear the Father, you fear nothing else. P. Tim

I owe you

Okay, so I definitely owe y'all a couple of posts.  I meant to last weekend, but it never happened.  Sorry! I can't believe I have been in Hong Kong for 3 weeks already!  Time is flying and I love it.

I have already begun my second camp, but first things first.  My first week as a teacher was insane.  I had 11 boys and 2 girls.  This is not by any means something I was expecting.  There is no one-child policy here in HK, so I thought I would have an even mix.  Well, two of my teammates had 10 and 11 girls and only 3 or 4 boys.  I am still confused as to why the school would rather a girl teach a bunch of boys....I don't get it.  But that's okay because I love my students so much.

And they were a rowdy bunch, let me tell you.  Most of them are sixteen and seventeen years old.  One of my students didn't have an English name.  When I asked him what he would like to be called, the rest of the class answered "Somebody, Somebody!!"  So that is what he wrote on his name plate.  I was not about to call the poor boy "Somebody," so I mostly just gestured to him in an effort to not horrendously mispronounce his name.  But I know how to spell it, so I do hope that he knows that I know his name.  Anyway...he was an interesting student to say the least.

He is so bright!  And he regularly responded to me in class, which I appreciate.  He also watches House, which is one of my favorite shows.  Sarcasm doesn't really cross into Asian culture very well, though.  So it surprised me when he said that he watches that show.  Well, he understands and uses sarcasm very well.  If you know the Asian culture, this is an odd thing!  It was kind of fun and refreshing though.

We had an Easter-themed cultural activity one afternoon, and as you can imagine...we had an Easter egg hunt.  Well the last group to hunt the eggs was my class, and they were disappointed that they didn't get to hide the eggs for anyone else to find.  So one of my teammates, Hannah (who is also my roommate) takes half the class outside of her room to let the other half hide the eggs for them to find.  Well my crazy boys hid an egg in the ceiling tile.  The tile then fell on the floor. Another egg ended up outside a window. We're 5 floors off the ground, so as you can imagine...that egg is gone forever.  They are very active boys...and mischievous...but I love them.

They took me out to lunch early this week.  They made fun of the way I hold chopsticks...which is a fair thing to make fun of me for. haha.  We ate dim sum...and it was so delicious.  Dim sum is not a type of food, but more like a style of eating.  It's a bunch of different food on a lazy Susan that just rotates around, and you snag what you want.  I had egg yolk buns (which I would love to learn to make), beef balls, noodles, rice, chicken, pork, pork rolls, and various other foods which are nameless to me.  I was offered cow's stomach, but I passed on that one...I passed on chicken claws, too.

My team is great, and I think we meld well together.  We each have our own classes for 3 hours a day, and in the afternoon we do a cultural activity together.  Sometimes we have stations, other times we all interact with each other.  I got married almost 2 weeks ago to my teammate Peter.  We put on an excellent skit and had a wedding reception!!  The students had so much fun, and they all took pictures with me and thought I was beautiful.  The girls here really boost my self esteem. ;)  I had a blast.  We've celebrated Christmas and Easter, taught American poetry, dances, fairy tales (four-part stories vs three-part stories), and had our students do presentations on Hong Kong culture for us.  It's been great!!!

The fellowship is amazing.  Today was the first day that I actually missed the city of Ruston.  I obviously miss my family and friends and sweet boyfriend, but today was the first day that I was a tad homesick for the States.  On the other hand, I love Hong Kong.  My sister said it best when she described it as a "New York City with a London twist....full of Asians." It's sweaty and humid, but the people are kind and genuine.  They stare at me a lot....But I'll write more on that as soon as I can.

The Father is really telling me a lot about what I'm good at though.  He has been compassionate to me, and I have been able to lavish that compassion to others.  I adore my first camp, and my second batch of students is quite different. I have 9 girls and 3 boys...and they are so sweet and mild.  I'm not sure what to do with myself. haha. I have lots to learn, teach, write, and tell you. I'll blog more later.  Scout's honor.

Ruin my life for the plans that I've made.  Ruin these eyes for my own selfish gain. Destroy the idols that have taken Your place til it's You alone I live for. -Jeff Johnson "Ruin Me"

Nei Hou Maa!

Well I have been in Hong Kong for four full days now!  The Internet isn’t super easy to access, and let’s face it, I don’t have a whole lot of time to be on here.  We are encouraged to stay in Asia, if you know what I mean.  I can’t say I blame them for wanting that for us.

So I’m actually sitting in my room typing this, and will post it when I have access to the Internet.  But welcome to virtual Hong Kong! ;)

I love it here.  It is gorgeous.  We’re staying at a YWCA for training, so I’m rooming with seven other girls currently.  This place is kind of in the middle of nowhere, which has its pros and cons.  A definite pro is the scenery.  You wouldn’t believe the view I have.  Even pictures don’t seem to capture it right.  One bad thing is not having access to buy things like sunscreen and cortisone cream because we’re twenty minutes from anywhere by bus.  We’re only here until Friday, and then we head to the Baptist University, closer to where we teach.

I feel like I have so much to say! Okay, my teammates are great!! If you want to be lifting them up by name, they are:  Emily, Hannah, Anna, Peter, and Ben.  Our team leader is Drew.  We meld really well together, and we learned on the first day that I am the only extravert.  Ha!  But the good news is, they laugh at my bad jokes, and Ben is the punniest person I have ever met.  I have decided that bad jokes (and puns) comprise a love language of mine.  I really think we are going to get along very well.  We spend a lot of time together, and I find that to be incredibly important in bonding.  We eat together, sit together for training, have team meetings, and even spend some of our free time throwing a Frisbee or playing cards together with other teams.  I am very much looking forward to getting to know each of them better.

Training is really good and also somewhat overwhelming.  I am trying to soak in a lot of information fast.  We’re learning about the culture, a few Cantonese words (the only words I learned in the States were Mandarin), how to plan a lesson, how to share our stories and build relationships with our students, how to be good stewards of time and talents, and fun games to play with our students.  I also learned the Cotton-Eyed Joe for the first time here.  It’s a miracle it’s taken me this long. Haha.  Oh, funny thing about learning Cantonese—I started speaking Spanish when I got confused.  Weird.

Let me tell you about the bugs here.  They are all supersized.  All of them.  We call the spiders here “face spiders” because they are literally as big as my face.  They do not look friendly.  I’m not one to be afraid of spiders, but these kinda freak me out.  The snails here are as big as hermit crabs.  The butterflies are also super big.  I have only seen black ones.  They’re pretty, and the Father has used them to speak to me so clearly.  It’s beautiful how He cares for me.  Oh! And random cows are chillin in the street.  And when I say “chillin” I really mean “I’m not quite sure how they’re not hamburgers yet because it’s a million degrees out here.”  Okay, so maybe it’s not a million degrees, but it feels like Louisiana for sure. ;)

We’re going to the beach today to celebrate the Fourth of July and a late Canada Day celebration!  My team signed up for a volleyball tournament, and we are going to have a buffet-style dinner.  It will be a great break from training, and I am very excited to stick my feet back in the Pacific. :)

Speaking of food, it hasn’t been bad at all.  I’m not used to eating with these plastic chopsticks, but hopefully I’ll get the hang of it.  The curry has been especially good in my opinion.  Their egg salad and potato/fruit combo salad was less than desirable, however.  Lotta mayo…and fruit…like papaya and pears and apples mixed in with the potatoes and carrots and cucumbers.  It was odd.  And we get Iceberg lettuce, ham, boxed milk, sugar, cornflakes, boiled eggs, and white bread for breakfast every morning.  I miss peanut butter, but I have really been enjoying my time here so much.

Side note—I caught a little tiny gecko yesterday and named him Alfred.  Our team was very fascinated and distracted by him for a while.  He was so cute!  And he licked his eyeballs, which was weird.  He also didn’t ask if I wanted to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, but I’m okay with that.  I have a hard time saying no after they do the whole sales pitch because they just work so hard!

Anyway…I have been able to exercise every morning.  I took today off since we’re walking to the beach and playing volleyball, but even at home I have a day off every week.  So, this is Katie checking in!  Everything is wonderful, and I know the Father has a good and pleasing and perfect plan for my being here.  I couldn’t be more excited!  Please continue lifting us up to the Father so we can be His hands and feet here.

“The [Father] is on my side; I will not fear…” -David

Don't Say Goodbye

I guess I've kept pretty busy since I got back from Guatemala, so my blog is somewhat inconsistent.  I always say I'll try to do better about that.  Maybe I can just skip this intro...

How do you say goodbye to someone you have known all your life? My Gramma Nancy passed away today a little before 4:00.  The last time I saw her, she didn't want to take a picture with me.  I urged her to anyway, and she conceded.  I'm glad I'll be able to remember her like that...even if it was a year and a half ago.

You see, Gramma lived in Peoria, IL, so I am nowhere near her.  My family usually visits Illinois once or twice a year:  Christmas and the 4th of July.  But this past year has been a bit strange.  I was in Guatemala over the 4th of July, and we stayed in Louisiana this Christmas.  How do I keep from hating myself for not calling her this year on her birthday?  I was in the midst of finals, but I could have taken 15 minutes to call her and tell her how much I love her.  But I didn't...and I didn't call her after that.  I never said goodbye.

I was afraid to say goodbye.  After Grampa died in December 2010, I thought that if Gramma made it a year, she'd never die.  I didn't want to admit that I would be losing someone I have known for over 21 years.  Losing Grampa Wayne was so hard that I didn't want to imagine losing anyone else.

What I hate the most is how these deaths are affecting Daddy and his six siblings.  How do you face losing your parents?  I don't even want to think about losing mine.  The pain is so acute, so real.  I can feel my pulse in my temples and chest and throat--the life that is in the blood.  I don't feel guilty for being alive, but I do feel very aware of my life.  Each breath and each heartbeat reminds me that I have purpose; I am also reminded of my mortality.  Everything seems so urgent, but the best thing I can do is slow down--just to remember her for a moment.

Some of my favorite things:

Gramma Nancy's cards were the best.  I had no idea what she was talking about half the time, but she would never forget my birthday.  Sometimes she sent me cards just because.  I still have them.

Gramma always had something to eat...even if you didn't want it. "Do you want some ham and beans?" :)

In July of 2009 when we were taking a picture at Avanti's, Grampa Wayne was holding his sandwhich wrapped in foil to take home.  Gramma told him like 18 times to put it down for the picture.  In the picture, he's beaming with his sandwhich, and she's kind of smiling--frustrated at his disobedience.

She was the proudest parent and grandparent.  She loved seeing all of Dad's adventure gear and hearing about Jessica's trips and my academics and Derek's music and Josh's atheletic endeavors.

I have a picture of her and Grampa Wayne when I was fairly young.  She's giving herself bunny ears.  I still smile every time I look at it.

She always left us with a story to tell.

I look at how disjointed this whole blog post is...and I thought briefly about coming back to change it.  But saying goodbye doesn't always--or maybe ever--look pretty.  So, Gramma Nan, cheers to you for raising 7 pretty awesome kids, loving 22 grandkids, and cherishing 5 great-grandkids in 84 years.  Just that is quite the accomplishment.  I love you.

Psalms

Psalms is super awesome.  Anyone ever notice what a roller coaster David is?  I realize that David did not write all 150 Psalms, but he wrote a lot of them—ranging from the cocoon of despair in Psalms 13 to a shout of joy in Psalm 100. I’m reading through Psalms right now…it’s suuuch a great book to study.

I feel like David would understand me (apart from the language barrier).  Personality psychologists think that David was an ENFJ...I am also an ENFJ.  I never feel more alone than when I feel like no one in the world understands any part of my brain. Lately, that's been pretty frequent.  But as I have been reading through Psalms, I have been praying so many of David's prayers...because they are my prayers. It's cool to know that I'm in the company of a man after God's own heart.

Wanna know something I love about David?  He was so real.  He pursued God without ceasing, & sin broke his heart.  Of course David still sinned; he was human.  But his sin and the sins of his people absolutely devastated him.  How many of us are grieved by sin?  How often do our hearts break because of that “little white lie” or that “one slip” into temptation?

Should we be living in self-loathing and condemning ourselves because of these sins?  No.  That’s just unproductive.  Romans 8:1 says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  But sin should break our hearts if it breaks the heart of the Holy Spirit within us.  Idealistically, this keeps us from sinning.

Soooo…I wrote this poem in September like right after my 21st birthday.  It definitely has a Psalm 13 thing going on…and since I’m talking about it why not post it?  It’s not happy or particularly well-written.  Just emotions.

I can hear the voices whispering like thunder in my head.
The list of defects pile up, and it’s easy
to believe the things they said.

I can’t think long enough to think straight as I fight to keep a smile.
But no one is looking for me anyway,
so the fight’s not worth my while.

I long to feel forgotten to know that once I had meant something.
But trying to stand out only helped me blend in
To the desperation I still cling.

It seems my family’s turned a blind eye, not wanting to condone
any behavior that screams for love
or any weakness to be shown.

So I watch myself get overlooked by people and by God;
The pain depletes my will to live
and pokes holes in my façade.

I don’t want to be a burden, but I reach out anyway.
And Jesus loves me through a friend
when it seemed impossible to pray.

The road ahead still looks so dark because I’m afraid to lose my dreams.
I’m drowning in the guilt of my selfishness
As around me the sorrow teems.

How long will you forget me, Lord? How do I delight in You?
Have Your glory in my weakness;
I give You the praise You’re due

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

As I expose myself and my wounds to the Internet, I understand that most people may think that I'm a silly girl whose problems go no further than feeling lonely.  Well, I could try to tell you that's not true and that this came at a really rotten time and that my heart feels like it's being ripped in two--but being defensive doesn't usually have good outcomes.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is music.  I love music...almost all of it.  But when I'm sad, I stop listening to it in all forms.  However, music is a part of me.  Sometimes I can't stop it from playing in my head.  That can often be a good thing...or a really bad thing. There are several songs that get stuck in my head during the grieving process of breaking up, so I just wanted to share the top ten songs (in no particular order) for my most recent brake up.

1. "Wishes" by Superchick
The saddest thing is you could be anything that you could want, we could have been everything. But now we're not--now it's not anything at all. The hardest part was getting this close to you, and giving up this dream I built with you: a fairy tale that isn't coming true. You've got some growing up to do.
That's just the first verse.  It's relevant to my feelings.

2. "Run to You" by PlusOne
Sometimes when the world gets so cold, and my heart is fifteen below.  And I feel like I'm so far from home: I run to You.  When life doesn't go like I plan...so confused and I don't understand,  it's hard 'cause it's out of my hands. So this is what I do when I got nothing left to give:  I run to You when I can't find my way, and I get lost in You when I don't have the faith.  When I don't know what to do, and I feel I can't make it through I run to You.
First verse and chorus.  It's a cheesy 90s boy band, but worse things could be stuck in my head.

3. "They Can't Take That Away From Me" by Frank Sinatra
The way your smile just beams, the way you sing off-key, the way you haunt my dreams. No, no- they can't take that away from me.  We may never, never meet again on that bumpy road to love.  Still I'll always keep the memory of...the way you hold your knife, the way we danced till 3, the way you changed my life...
That's actually most of the song.  So good, but it makes me sad.

4. "24" by Switchfoot
Twenty-four oceans, twenty-four skies, twenty-four failures after twenty-four tries. Twenty-four finds me in twenty-fourth place. Twenty-four drop outs at the end of the day. Life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago...still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You.
Mostly this got stuck in my head around noon for reasons I don't have to explain.  Twenty-four is also my favorite number.

5. "Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet?" by RelientK
I think you know what I'm getting at. I find it so upsetting that the memories that you select--you keep the bad, but the good you just forget. And even though I'm angry, I can still say: I know my heart will break the day when you peel out and drive away...I can't believe this happened. And all this time I never thought that all we had would be all for naught.
This song is so good. It's definitely worth a listen.

6. "Stand in the Rain" Superchick
She never slows down. She doesn't know why, but she knows that when she's all alone, it feels like it's all crashing down. She won't turn around. The shadows are long, and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop coming down. Stand in the rain; stand your ground. Stand up when it's all crashing down. Stand through the pain; you won't drown. And one day what's lost can be found, so stand in the rain.
First verse and chorus.  My awesome friend Kevin reminded me of this song.

7. "Turn Back the Time" by Chase Coy (aka Dear Juliet)
I just need a bit more time to get you off my mind tonight. I can't forget those bright blue eyes. I can't forget the moment they met mine--an angel in disguise. Please turn back the time.
This is an amazing song that I love.  So simple.  Actually several songs by him pop into my head.

8. "Worth It All the While" by GoRadio
Could we be something I'll remember forever, I'll ask you? If you scream just a little bit louder, then I'll sing just a little bit more, 'cause maybe we're what we've been waiting for. 'Cause these streets are a little bit colder, and who knows what waits in store? It's you and me forever and I'm sure we're worth fighting for.
This one isn't a particularly healthy song to be stuck in my head.  It doesn't help that GoRadio is his favorite band.

9. "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.
When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone..when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on. Don't let yourself go. Everybody cries, and everybody hurts sometimes. Sometimes everything is wrong...

Cliché, I know.

10. "Keep Singing" by MercyMe
Another rainy day...I can't recall having sunshine on my face, and all I feel is pain. And all I wanna do is walk out of this place, but when I am stuck, and I can't move...when I don't know what I should do...when I wonder if I'll ever make it through....I gotta keep singin. I gotta keep praising Your name. You're the one who's keeping my heart beating.

I love this song so much. It's so simple and beautiful.

So those are the big ones that have been playing in my head over and over and over since the break up.  And they could be worse for sure.  Unfortunately...it still sucks.  Sometimes we just have to walk through the mess, accept that it's messy, and make plans to clean ourselves up after we're done walking.  I'm lucky enough to have people willing to get messy with me because we weren't created to go through this grubby life alone.